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I did my time with depression and insomnia . You know the story .

Undiagnosed autism at odds with the absurd logic of the world . Amplified through self flagellation , gripped by sloppy vices and ice brittle artist tragicomedy .
BUT fuck , that crisis , psychotic breakdown , breakthrough made me brand new , funnier , clearer and stronger . Grateful to live this life , laugh at the catastrophic , call out bullshit , and to love my work .
Yet every few years there comes a new natural unrest . A reset . Motored along by my creativity and , in this case , the internet .

I was once in love with the ideas of the online social media universe .
I hoped as it grew it would afford indie makers like me more freedom , authenticity and opportunity to get to anyone that might give a shit and build our own self contained niche .
It did for a while for many of us so we all took the bait . But it has shown it’s true colors as a punisher and a liar .

I followed its rhythms , adapted to its quirks . Experimented and exhausted my options , and it has led again to a corporate dead end . I now see the illusion . Another banal glaring opiate for the masses .
Same old greed that I hated about the music industry in the first place morphed into a more addictive form .

The psychological tolls we face as users are created by this illusion .
The seductive tweaking of our desires , hopes and dreams .
The promise of better , cheaper, more , easier . The promise and distortion of love and acceptance .

Of the multitudes of people we have across the world as friends, followers and subscribers spread across all platforms , all of which we have passionately earned , lost and re- earned over the years , the amount we can actually reach in our posts is driven down and dragged around by the algorithms . We can’t even reach the people who truly love the project anymore, not just the drifters . WHAT THE FUCK is the point ? Once it was about growth . Now it’s just access .
The desperate maintenance doom loop of diminishing returns .

That realization lately has put me in a gnarly radical mood . These are fans we have worked to gain , yet practically don’t exist . If we post too much the reach goes down if we post too little the reach goes down . Subtly but surely an illusion .

It is not solid enough to base careers and futures and good art upon .

So I come to my Patreon .
One of the only lifelines out there for now .

Patrons , Thank you for continuing to stay with us.
Your loyalty is beyond what I imagined . I am grateful you care in a climate that is fatally disheartened and fragmented . It takes effort . You are rare .
Yet I need to be vigilant , it’s my duty to ground you , protect you and thus myself from terminal distraction . You need this medication as do I , this ongoing alternative , so I’m not leaving the online world , just relocating our activity , redirecting you , trying different and doubling down on what matters . Consolidation .

As truth drowns , it drags down art with it . The future of creation and survival of art , my art , sometimes feels bleak . Pessimism creeps in as it all changes so quickly , there’s no time to savor and fantasize .

I see the same dread inducing patterns wherever I look and I don’t look far .
Racism , wokeism , absurd ignorance and dopamine kick vile shock shit floating to the top of the reemerging thickening primordial soup everywhere . Streaming platforms and something for nothing culture keeps the 80% sleepwalking through their lives , micro-meaning transient next shiny object . The new normal . Headline . Click bait . Replacing the story .

Where does art sit in all this ?

Everything we do and are is tainted . The stench of entitlement , the pornographic Trumpian ugliness and whining , fake cunts full of emptiness and pumped up grotesque self absorption .
It makes me whine and hate myself for whining .
But the calling out of the toxins is essential to move ahead and reinvent .

Fresh epiphanies coming again and again .

Although I am calmer and stronger I do feel torn and schizophrenic . This hyper awareness and hyper vitriol is my other new normal . My love and joy in what I do is tested because what I do is a part of it all .
I want to exist outside of all this .
I want to not feel guilty and dirty and distracted . I can no longer , with good conscience , use platforms that grind our confidence in ourselves and divide us . We are all creating and enabling this . It has to stop or at least slow fade into something better .
For now I feel dirty . So we are changing . Come with us ……

To be continued ……

-CCX

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