200 Responses to Insomnia Schizophonica

  1. Oliver Says:

    Interesting read and once again, its good you were forced to stop before it was too late. Im just glad you are still alive and hopefully we still have your musical passion to look forward to in later albums. Or not. Youve done more than enough to keep the world entertained already, I think. Thanks for the update and glad you are feeling hmm rediscovered? :}

  2. Leanne Says:

    This has been truly uplifting and inspiring to read. No doubt many of us will take comfort in these words.

    Im glad youre feeling better and getting closure and balance. Its only up from here.

  3. Jim Penola Says:

    Im deeply moved by your share here, Chris. Im inspired. Im touched. Im alive.

    Your fans have your back forever. We love you.

  4. Shae Says:

    Thank you so much. As a lifelong creative over-thinker and sufferer of chronic anxiety and depression, there is always something so grounding about reading and hearing other people talk about it.

    You realize that you are not alone.

    Your patterns might be different, but theres that hitch, that scratch in the record thats recognizable. Thank you for fighting your way out of the dark. We need more lights in this world and the brightest always seem gone too soon.

  5. Karen TenEyck Says:

    Respect you more than ever. Im at work and cant say much now. Ive got 16 years on you and one of the things Ive learned is not to let whats going on in the larger world effect you so much. Do your own thing, protest when you can be effective and let the rest go. I know that sounds simplistic but its the only way to not go crazy with the ignorance in the world. Were only on Earth a short time and in that time we must get out all the art from ourselves that we can. Frustration with the world is a draining waste of time. I hope that didnt sound patronizing, it wasnt meant to be. Much, much love. Karen

  6. Anna Says:

    Thank you.
    Take care of yourself.
    Im with you if you need me.

  7. Xe Says:

    I admire and appreciate your honesty, your art, your dedication. Thank you for being here, in spite of your demons. xxx

  8. Marg Erdei Says:

    This is beautiful, Chris! It is comforting to read about someone who shares the same feelings that I do. Yet, you are very creative and I aspire to be like you. So, the cycle continues.

  9. gabriel Says:

    Chris, take it easy As Ive been feeding myself creatively by listening to yeah, Volatile Times, I just sneaked my first glimpse into your blog, warned by the other days fbk posting. I suppose everybody whos reading your notes or listen to your songs is feeling a manifold more thankful to you. You should be knowing this by now.

    It is consuming, but somehow you managed to exploit it better than it put you off. Existential urgency, whatever, Its hard for me to comment on that. By Friday, life has killed me as Morrissey puts it, yet there is a much stronger bond that us, the trivial, relate to you. And its not messianic or cultish, but rather dainty, volatile, rare, human

  10. Elizabeth Says:

    I cannot begin to describe how much your words have helped me today. Its as if magically the cosmos put them right here when I needed them. Thank you for sharing such deep, intimate thoughts. It is touching, soothing, and generous of you. I cant correctly express how much I wish you success in your continued recovery. I am grateful for you words, your talent, and what you share with us.

    much love

  11. XX Says:

    Im glad that you explained what was happening last year. I was really worried about you. Actually Im still. I only knew you had insomnia and thought it would be a quick cure and you will come back to us soon. But now I see that its more complex. You always seemed so strong, unlike me, suffering from anxiety and social phobia. I always were thinking what would Chris do? or keep reminding myself the line: if you choose life, you know what the fear is like and it was helping me somehow. But now, after revealing your secrets, you seem to be even closer to me and youre still my hero, because youre fighting with your weaknesses. I believe in you, I know itll be getting better and better. Hope to see you again some day, Ill be one of these faces in front of stage that maybe you remember. Take care, CC.

  12. Oceane Says:

    To die, to sleep;
    To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, theres the rub;
    For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
    When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
    Must give us pause: theres the respect
    That makes calamity of so long life

    Thank you for sharing.



  13. Leo Deville Says:

    Your words describe the torment I have also been through in the last 2 years and I agree that the subconscious knows the right way to live in this world. Thank you for sharing your intimate innermost thoughts & feelings and for reminding us all that being human isnt easy sometimes but it can also be such a marvellous experience once we realise who we are. Your music and words have inspired me for many years and I hope your creativity and a peaceful mind can continue.

  14. G Says:

    My trials are my friend. Gratitude, stillness, love, just being. Renewed x

  15. Leanne fatal femme Says:

    The way you write is so beautiful and holds interest. I am glad to see you on the mend. 2013 was a bad year for so many including myself. I am glad all us fans support you in the way we do. Your music keeps us going. Sometimes returning back to your roots and isolating yourself from the overwhelment of life is the best thing to do. Keep being amazing -x- fatal femme -x-

  16. Ruth Says:

    Chris .. what form to open your heart and empty yourself .
    Only tell you that this is something you have to live, to start a new stage. Youre music, so you can never unlink.
    I want to see you soon but until you feel ready, (yes, you will be,) not come back on stage.
    You live and heal.
    I love you.
    R (Madrid).

  17. Angelique from Chicago Says:

    Thank youthats all I could force out of my mouth when I met you in Chicago last year. There was so much more behind it, but I figured you had heard 1000 stories, 1000 times and fear of rejection was too much. I will place these words here for you to absorb at your convenience. I wont say you saved my life, as I must credit my own will somewhat. But your music penetrated an otherwise overanxious brain. Screaming through your lyrics and rhythms made me feel something other than fear. You restored my faith in the power of music and art. I hope I get another opportunity to tell you in person, but at least I got some hugs in. Be well and thank you.

  18. Scott John Cruz Says:

    Chris, youre a beautiful soul, and even more so with the realness youve shared from this post.

    Stay strong.
    Keep dreaming.

    I look forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter.


  19. Ashlie Says:

    Chris! You are so beautiful inside and out! Each of us has a dark place. Its okay to visit, but try not to get stuck there. You inspire so many people, remember to inspire yourself. There is much love out there for you. Embrace it. I hope you are doing well, now. XOXO

  20. Pixie G Says:

    I want to thank you for being so open with us. Your vulnerability takes strength. So raw & pure its quite touching , and beautiful. Refreshing like your music. These things ,emotions and struggles you speak of a lot of us feel ,see and taste but would never dare speak of. The dark storms, demons and private wars are usually never shared , kept inside us till we rot, but perhaps here today after reading your blog , your stripped down words , will see a change . I cant help but feel some what guilty though, I met you in Portland backstage with my husband during the American Animal Impulses Tour , and there i stood rambling on about drunkin non sense , hyped on drugs and emotion because id waited 17 years for that very moment ,all while you stood in front of me with such pain and confusion .Zombie-like , I should have been able to read you, see through this man i grew up with and simply hug you a little longer.
    For what its worth this last tour was one of the best most energetic ones ive witnessed from IAMX and ive seen them all. Now that i know what drove that power, what fueled the beast i get it. I get you.
    I end with a simple
    We love you, all of you . and You are never alone.
    Thank you.

  21. Joel Says:

    Chris, we are here because we care for you. We will always be here. Thank you for sharing your life with us, and now do what you need to do!

  22. Jan Says:

    Dear Chris,

    I would like to thank you for your honest and personal words. You have a beautiful way of touching others minds with poetry transported by music and words. It always helped me to identify my self and to understand my own feelings with stories of someone else, your stories. For me that is what separates crap from real and great art. I also make music as a way to express and maybe even therapy myself and I had to smile when I read about the Janus-face like two sides of creating art. Why do we create art and what do we need to be capable of creating it? It seems like we are dependent of all those feelings who are created by the events we live through even the darker ones. And whenever we are in the process of transforming those experiences to art its like some kind of retraumatization act. But after some time it slowly shapes to closure and weve put something inside of a piece of art. I think that is really beautiful and gives perspective!

    Im truly glad that youre feeling better and that youre able to tell the world about the struggles youve had.
    It even seems like youre able to laugh about certain things and I guess that is always a good sign!

    All the Best and thank you for everything Im deeply in your debt and will never forget about that!


  23. Amber Says:

    Chris , thank you .
    Sharing your story took a lot of courage Im sure .Reading this brought me tears of joy and sorrow . Your intellectual insight into your self and human behavior even after going threw a mental breakdown (for lack of a better term ) is incredible . Please know you are loved both for who you are on the inside and the theatrical persona you are on stage . We do not pick and choose the parts of you we like and and dont like . We accept all your flaws and your graces , this is what makes you beautiful .

    With love ,

  24. Cathy Says:

    Wow. *Removes hat and bows to you sir.

  25. Cody seaton Says:

    Chris thank you. I can relate to every word in this blog. Thank you for helping me get over my own trials. With your music, art, twitter, and blog. It was a pleasure to meet you and your crew and cant wait till the day I get to tell you thanks again face to face. Stay strong Sir your fans, family, and friends are here to stay and are here with you.

  26. damnedphoenix Says:

    While reading this, there were a few points in which I couldnt help but think, Am I reading the words of CC or is someone tapping into my mind?. Over the last few years I have also come down off of certain decidances and have found myself craving for something basic and natural. I am thankful for my family being there for me. My mother was also plagued with infinite health issues. She just passed away this month and what you wrote here about yours struck me. I was her little night owl. I have had insomnia for ages, I only accepted the fact I have anxiety within the last two years, and I still try to deny depression. I am ever an opptomist and honest, but I am still coming to terms with the fact it is a lonely baron way to go at life, but that is okay because I am looking at it with that optimism.

  27. guiding light Says:

    And you, Chris, your music, your words always save us in our darkest times of desperation, depression, sorrow. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being strong and honest.

  28. Ben N. Says:

    I am sitting here with some friends on a field in the sunset and we are drinking some stuff I read your words and thank you for everything. everything you gave, everything you will give. but also take; I will write u a long letter within the next two weeks. A very breathetaking blog I love you and your art. your being. thank you for staying.

  29. Scott Says:

    The best support and words I received during my personal struggles and challeges,from a caring friend, was this: let time be your friend. When I heard those words from his lips they made sense to me and I instantly understood how they fit into what I needed to hear at the time. With compassion and empathy, I offer the same advice to you Chris. Take good care. Give and take all the time you need. Respectfully yours. x

  30. Alisa Says:

    Thank you for your honest & inspirational words. Im proud of you and very happy that you seem to have found some peace and joy of life. Every person on Earth needs it, and youre not an exception, quite the contrary.
    Thank you once again for sharing these deeply private thoughts and feelings with us.
    Lots of love,
    Alisa {X}

  31. Karolina Says:

    Dear Chris,

    I feel privileged to be your fan. You are a beautiful, honest and magical person. I cant even think about how hard this whole mess must have been for you, but I hope now everything will go the right way.

    Your music has been inspiring me since 2010 and it made me aware of so many important things. Your lyrics helped me to accept myself, to be the way I want to be. Your songs gave me strength when nothing else couldnt. YOU gave me the strength, you beautiful person Im unable to describe the amount of love and respect I have for you and the impact your music had on my life. Its indescribable. I wish I could do something more for you than just writing these words, but I hope they will put a smile on your face. You are loved and supported by many for all the inspiration and magic you have given us.

    I hope that sharing your personal story will cleanse you. And remember the words you wrote: I can only win in the end, my trials are my friends. You have no idea how many times they helped me. I hope they will also help you.


  32. Shannon Says:

    Im sitting in my cubicle, working for a large bank, in Los Angeles, struggling with my own addictions, wondering how I can fool everyone today and so very oddly happy to hear I am not alone. I thank you so much for sharing. Your music means so very much to me and so many others. Your LA show last year was truly beautiful and I pray you come out of this to bring us more, for we are very selfish in our need of you. Thank you, thank you.

  33. Jean-Paul Says:

    Thank you for sharing this Chris. It means a lot to me.

    Take care.


  34. Defekt Says:

    Thanks for this words. I understand that it was hard and painful, but you decised. Nobody cant describe it but you did it. And Im so commiserate you. So thank you at all. I dont know any person so alive like you. Your feelings are real. So now my feelings are real too. I cant say anything more because Im crying and tears veiled my eyes. Thank you. You make me feel.
    Love, Victoria.

  35. Ashley Says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

    From my own experience with this beast The pain, the anguish, the love, the thoughts sometimes all seem to mash together into one giant mess that also leaves me unable to function, let alone sleep well at times. I often feel isolated and alone in my own thoughts. Outside of the mess, I find myself able to reason my way through it, but within it there is not much hope. This week was one of those weeks for me as I found myself lost, anxious, and fixated.

    And then I read your blog post. Just hearing that someone else also experiences these things with such eloquent prose, and that its okay to feel this way immediately seems to quell these restless thoughts. I missed going to your show when you came to the US due to my own reasons, even though I bought a ticket, and Im no longer regretful of it. It brings tears to my eyes to read the pain that you experienced during that ordeal. Im so sorry. I love you, and everything that you do the pain, the beauty, the love. But please dont suffer like that for us, ever. Im glad to see that you are getting some much needed rest now.

    I will keep Forest dear to my heart for another rainy day Keep it around for yourself, too. <3

    Thank you for loving us as we are, and
    We love you the way that you are.

  36. demighost Says:

    Ive learnt to keep the darkness at bay and to summon it at the right time. Sometimes it comes without warning and floods over me, and my life is immobile. But without that darkness, the art is empty. So Ive learnt to love it, but not going to let it dominate me. Though sometimes, switching is fun.

    I hope that Id be able to collab with you one day


  37. Tatchiana Says:

    Chris, sweetheart, thank you for what you give to us, through everything, despite everything. I was there for the London tour in April, you gave so much when you had so little left to give and it was truly a beautiful experience. In writing this you are helping so many of your fans through our Trials, you inspire us to do all that we hope, we love you and were sending you that love in any way we can.
    Thank you so much, with all my devotion

  38. Meagan Says:

    in tears. chris, this is beautiful. beautiful and wrenching. am in the middle of a pit right now, trying to see the light somewhere out there. thank you for this.

  39. Stacy Says:

    Ive just read this post and I have so many different feelings at the moment that I cant even describe my condition. Of course, I am really happy that youve overcome Depression and found a kind of harmony with yourself and the Universe, and I believe that everything will get even more better in the future. But the main thing I want to say is that I feel endless inspiration because of knowing that somewhere on the Earth theres a man whos very like me. In your words I saw the reflecrion of my thoughts.
    Thank you for these words, for your courage to share them with us. Once again I was convinced that youre an incredible person who always helps me not even knowing who I am. Once again thank you!
    Take good care

  40. patt Says:

    I love you..and miss your voice and songs

  41. 2012/08/9 01:57 Says:

    After Berlin concert 2012, I wrote to Janine official facebook a message, about the feeling about you. Something that resonated again in me when reading this post.

    .I feltunconnection with others and pity about this state. I´m not sure how to describe it. As if the others are beyond a window. You can see them, but not be part of them. And bit of loneliness and bit of hesitation.

    I dont know if you had a chance to read it. If you want, youll find it from date in this posts name. Or just write me an email.

    No matter what, take care.

  42. Svetlana K. Says:

    Hello,dear. Thank you for saying that! your words.. theyre so dear and that you tell us- it is not in vain. we hear and feel you always.
    I wish you only good things, I wish you repose then you want to and when you need it; and energy when you feel the need for it. I hope everything will be better in the future and you will feel better and better, take care of yourself, I beg. Love your music and cherish You. Please, do what you want but take care of yourself. With regards and hope for the best,

  43. Rusti Says:

    Its not possible to put into words how inspiring this is. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your soul. Your creative expression has helped me through many a dark day when I felt alone and misunderstood. I am ever hopeful and try to keep my optimism alive but that darkness is always there looming in the distance. Reading this and similar experiences renews my belief that I (we) must keep fighting as there is so much to live for. Thank you.

  44. Tim Kuhnert Says:

    Chris, thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts. Im really glad that you are feeling better by now. All I can say: You are not alone. I have been through similar times in my life which is probably why I love your music so much. It may seem like a small comfort but your body of work has been nothing but exceptional close to genius, having released eight records altogether including five solo albums always setting new landmarks along the way being only one part of it. This is truly amazing.
    In astrology your sun sign is Aquarius with also moon in Aquarius which means you tend to be ahead of your times, very often accompanied by the feeling of not being part of the world. Those people are thinkers, analysts whose challenge in life it is to channel their nervous energy and learn to relax. In order to do that you should maybe consider to have a second string to your bow like starting your own bar or cafe. Basically have a balance to your otherwise constantly working mind. Much love and blessings!!!

  45. Barbchen Says:

    Im glad to be reading this blog, glad that you took the necessary steps towards saving yourself and typical even managed to turn it into something beautiful, intelligent, entertaining, provocative You are like Midas that way. Sadly, I guess.

    But I hope very much that you have gotten control over this, that you are stronger for it. You have touched me with your music and now with your words. Thank you for sharing, Chris. I am holding my thumbs for you, as they say here.

  46. Heather Julian Says:

    This was deeply moving. When we met in NY a year ago I had no idea that this internal battle was at its peak. Although it makes me feel a bit guilty for enjoying that greeting and show so much while you were battling something so severe, I am so thankful that you were able to persevere as you always do. We can always expect an internal battle within us all, but your health means the most to us fans. Thank you for letting us in, Chris, even if that means sharing your artistic outlet which may weigh on you at times. I believe that we can all relate to your situation in some way and that is a big reason as to why we feel such a deep connection to your mind and music, and we will never ask you to push yourself too far by demanding more. Thank you again, Chris.

  47. Jasmine Says:

    I started sobbing like mad when reading this and the comments, both happy and sad tears, because while I can only relate to this on such a small scale (bad mood-scale), I can understand. It moved me. It moved me so fucking much, this.
    When I looked at the pictures I had gotten from your show in Sweden last year (thank you once again for that one, it was one of my best evenings ever) I saw what I was too hyper to notice on the day. How pale you were, so pale that the white make-up you had under your eyes wasnt visible during the show, how tired you looked, and how dangerously thin you were. I didnt notice that at first, and I feel bad for that now. But even when I did notice, it was too late, so although when you announced the cancellation and the state of your health, I was very worried, but relived that you would finally get help. If you ever need help from us, please remember that well always be here to give you whatever we can. It might only be a virtual hug or a kick in the arse if you ask us to do that, but we will do it. You know you dont even have to ask. Because we love you and respect you. I respect you so much, and have so much to thank for thanks to you and your music. Thank you <3

  48. Blanka Says:

    At this point all I could think about was death. Physical pain stabbed through me as I read that sentence. Because I know what it feels like.

    Last year, I missed your performance in Prague. At the time, I was at the age of twenty hospitalized with alcohol addiction and other psychological issues. They brought me to my knees, I couldnt take it any longer. I remember playing your new album, using some ancient hospital music player, and thinking it was the perfect match with my feelings. Now I can see why, though what youve been through troubles me deeply.

    Thank you for sharing all of this, I really appreciate every word that youve said. Both the bad and the good things.



  49. Hiromi Says:

    Dear Chris,

    Thank you very much for this. To be honest it was bit surprised that you have written openly more than ever.
    It makes me feel close to you.

    You have a wonderful family, they are full of love. I believe their love helped you a lot.

    It seems you got through the worst time so,
    Keep smiling. Please take much care of yourself.
    You are the only ONE.

    Lots of Love
    Hiromi x

  50. Charlie Says:

    Wow, its really brave of you to share all these thoughts with us. Youd rather expect the opposite from a public person so thank you. Very uplifting and touching confession.

    Every time a musician does something which doesnt meet my expectations (like cancelling the tour), I usually let my egoistic self win over and rant about all the inconvenience it caused me. Selfish, yeah. Id been looking forward to IAMX show for a long, long time, and yet when I heard the bad news, such bitter thoughts didnt cross my mind for a second. I know, and we all know, that your dedication to music and your fans has no limits, and that your withdrawal was a necessity. Please, dont feel any pressure to come back. We miss you, but we understand. Take care, Chris.

  51. A. A. Says:

    I know myself that keeping a diary can be an excellent form of expelling the daemons, and I hope this entry has had that effect for you! Thank you for revealing your innermost thoughts to us; as others have said, it is very comforting to feel part of a company of like minds, rather than alone with my struggles. Your music and how you express it on stage has been a source of joy and reassurance for me for many years now, and will continue to be so in my memories and on my stereo. I have deep respect for your artistic integrity and open-heartedness and they have inspired me to pursue my own creativity and to fight to keep hold of everything inside that the world would try to stamp out with the passing years. Please do whatever feels most natural and healthy for you! I wish you all the best of health and life.

    With love and respect,
    A true admirer

  52. Gorden Says:

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

    You have had hard times. and look at yourself now.it gets better step by step. and this is good.
    there is so much i could say but i dont find the words.
    just maybe one of my favorite quotes that helped me a lot in hard times: It cant rain all the time.

    It reminds me always that the sun will shine again, no matter how long it takes.
    and i think youll walk on the sunny way again.
    with much greater strength and knowledge.


  53. Faye Says:

    I just want to thank you for sharing these thoughts and experiences with us, on such a personal level. When I had the fortune of seeing you in Chicago last year, it was one of the most amazing moments of my life, utterly drawn in by the music and by the power that yourself and Janine, Alberto and Sammi command on stage, and to know how painful things were at the time makes me profoundly sad because that wasnt able to be reciprocated as fully as it could have been.

    But I also want to thank you because, as you say, its strengthening to read about people like you. Ive never faced chronic insomnia, but anxiety, self doubt is never far from my mind and today especially your thoughts of universality and that we are strong creatures bigger than our own thoughts was powerful.

    I hope you take care of yourself, I hope you are well, and know that we arent waiting or expecting, were all just sending love out there your way.

  54. Annika Says:

    I never managed to keep my brittleness and fears inside, to myself. The lack of skin is a burden to carry. It is a great comfort to read your words and spontaneously percieve your openess as a sign of strength. If only more people would share their experiences with mental health issues! So common, yet the stigma is still there.

    There is so much I recognize in your story symptoms, feelings and existential viewpoints, including the healthy thoughts of ahealing mind! These days I am myself on my way up from depression, struggling to find the distinction between me and my destructive overanalyzing anxious mind. Being a scientist, the constant questioning is a valuable asset at the same time as it poses a danger to my personal health.

    It is lovely to read your clear, non-judging thoughts on the importance of your genetic and social inheritance. So happy that the days of uncalled for blame and guilt created by psychologists are over!

    Keep in touch with your love for nature and with your curiosity! They will keep you resilient.

    Much love,

  55. dori leni Says:

    You have encapsulated many of my thoughts and feelings.
    I have for some time now been lingering around a breakdown in my head,
    and reading about your journey of this past phase has made me more positive about this idea.
    About the necessity of breaking down when it becomes unbearable to
    carry on with the sick, unhealthy, self-destructive ways.
    About how sometimes it is justified to become overwhelmed with
    all sorts of debilitating and often humiliating and shameful mental
    and physical symptoms.
    About how a breakdown can be transformed into a breakthrough.

    Without any fangirl feeling, sometimes you have slipped into my mind, and I have found myself
    wondering what you might be going through.
    As you yourself also said, it helps to see you are not the only one
    feeling, and thus being, all messed-up.
    I will use this writing and all that your art has given me so far
    to try and regain my ability to become the whole, healthy being
    I once was and I believe should deserve to be again.

    Thank you for your inspiration.
    Wishing you all that you wish for

  56. Reka Says:

    Dear Chris,
    Thanks for that sincere words. Touching you share that thoughts with us
    It is time to heal really, now Hold tight, we are with you !

  57. M Says:

    Dear Chris,
    Thank you for sharing. We all hope that you will be better soon. That may sound odd but it is good to read such post and to know that there is someone who is anxious and self doubt. Stay close to your family. it is so helpful.

    Take care,

  58. Francisca Says:

    If I were as good with words as you are, Im sure I would have something more reasonable to say about this. All this time, Ive been relatively silent, just because I couldnt find the words to react to everything you have shared. I feel though, that I cant be silent anymore. If I had known you personally, I would have done what I could. Now, I didnt think I would be able to make a difference, which might be one of the most stupid assumptions I ever made.
    Thank you for making me part of this, for sharing. I feel honoured. If I could ever give you back what you gave me through your music and gigs, I would be happy to.

  59. Melissa Says:

    Thank you so much for sharing with us what you have gone through in the past year. I am writing this from two perspectives one as a fan and one as a therapist.

    As a fan I am grateful that you were somehow able to channel your struggle into The Unified Field, an album that has had a tremendous impact on my life. I wish you had not suffered so greatly for it, but I will be eternally thankful for the gift your music has been to me and I look forward to hearing how recovery and your new perspective will express themselves in your art.

    As a therapist I read your story and its clear to me that you dove into your treatment with your whole self just as you do in your art. As an existential therapist Im thrilled to see you talking about your being in those terms. Therapy that just treats the symptoms is a scourge on my field. Good therapy sees the whole human being and does more than just treat an illness; it opens a world of possibility. Im so glad that youve found a path to that opening.

  60. Carla Ellis Says:

    Im glad you see what I see when at Camber Sands.
    My boyfriend takes me there, when being enclosed in towns starts to unravel my head.
    I too, have been through a mental breakdown, I wont bore you with the details, but Camber Sands, or just staring at the sea, calms me in a way no drug can.
    Drugs induce a false happiness and a fuzz to the brain that fucks up my artistic flow, which in turn, pisses me off and makes me want to scream. Staring at the sea, holding the sand and letting it fall though my fingers, even letting my feet get wet, reminds me that its ok to be sad, as long as we let it do its job and send it out the door when its done.
    Were all fragile, in our own way.
    We live, we die and somewhere in the middle we make a bit of a mess.
    Not bad for a carbon based life form with opposable thumbs.

    Remember one thing. Youre always loved, deservedly.

    Get well soon, Chris, youll be stronger from this fight than ever before.

    C xxx

  61. Todd Loomis Says:

    Thanks for sharing all of this. I hope youre able to eventually resolve your sleeping problems. Thanks for the great music over the years. Much appreciation your way And hopefully a much better year in 2014.

  62. Grace Says:

    I have listened to your music for a long time- And as one of your younger fans, I may be overlooked in this, to be honest. At the ripe age of 15, yet I understand these words completely. Not the words, but the context, meaning and overall message. Although I may never have been diagnosed with any problems at all, I think that everybody has this one dark spot they struggle to overcome in life. This could be due to a number of problems, acrimony for yourself becomes apparent. You are a very avant-garde, baroque and bona fide artist, and I must say, I love it. Once I do get some spare time, I shall dedicate my art work to you and your well being. Your lyrics have helped me through a number of things in tedious times and touched me in a way that other people whom I speak to cannot even compare to. I hope you get over your malaise of sorts, soon, Chris. Best wishes :) <3 xx

  63. Chloé Says:

    Dear Chris,

    Thanks for sharing these words.
    I agree, its a great help when you know that someone feels the way you feel.
    Like a lot of people, I find myself in your word, in your songs.
    Like you said, this world is full of nonsense and madness, but still there are plenty of amazing things.
    Like a hug of a dog, a talk with a friend or family.

    I lost myself too, I think I spoilt 2 years of my life fighting against my anxiety, depression and apathy.
    I was hoping for a click to my old self again too, but it never happen.
    Im feeling better now.

    I hope that youll find a way to enjoy your work again. You have your creativity inside you, no matter what. Either youre happy or not your music is a part of yourself. So you have the right to be happy (of course, I know this is not easy). Im sure it will not affect your talent.
    It maybe cliché, but take care of you. Get better and the rest will follow.

    Your thoughts are not you.
    You wear them like a lead chain around your neck. Break that chain.
    Stand proud outside your rumination. You are infinitely wise and extraordinary. You are completeness, unified, integrated and harmonious, your strength unbreakable. You love being alive. You love to love.
    Your darkness is a symptom of conditioned mental events. Bad habits. Functions of the hyperactive ‘doing mind’.
    Don’t get caught in the panic trap. Don’t get lost in experiential avoidance.
    Happiness is just a skill, a discipline.
    Humour yourself with compassion, misjudging the injustice of existence.

    These words touch my heart, thanks <3

    Much love,
    (Sorry if my english isnt perfect Im French)

  64. fabiola Says:

    Dear Chris!

    Thank you for sharing your innermost selfits beautiful, and moving like a sad sonnet.
    I could find myself between the lines and relate to what I just read

    Id give my arm to know how to help you.

    Though the ending did not seem like a firm desire to continue with being {X}, I wish you the will and positive vibe it takes to find your way out of that physical/psychic abyss, into an elevated state of mind even if it takes you to become a brand new person.
    Id love a new Chris as well, if thats the price of a healthy Chris.
    Im a little selfish when I wish to see you again soon alive and kicking, drumming, screaming and going crazy again for us, with us, soaked faces down there at your feet.
    I just cant think of losing the {X} factor of the universe.

    fabiola from Hungary x

  65. Kent Says:

    I dont consider myself a hard core fan, but always recognized your talent even when I had no interest in electronic music. Over the years have come to appreciate the quirks of your music and the fact you try so hard.

    You said no amount of thinking will stop you thinking. In the end you will always be that person, blessed or cursed, its reality. Your overachieving over critical brain will always be dissecting everything including your own fabric. The demon is you, always will be. As you try and get out of your own head at some point you have to turn your gifts into positive things that dont kill you. When you give so much that your soul leaves its time to stop. Try and surround yourself with people who neutralize you, not those just like you. Sure it feels good to sit around and get all introspective with other depressives, but what about those who care enough to tell you, WAKE THE F*CK UP.

    You are getting too old for this shit. Man up, and just put a stop to it already, you are wasting your life. Your talent and mind is rare, but its nothing if you cant use it in non-destructive ways.

    Best of luck.

  66. Stephan from France Says:

    Iam with U.im in a kind of way your friend dear Chris!

    Prends soin de toi = take care of u


  67. ruth Says:

    dear chris!
    somehow i knew it from the beginning that this was going to happen. you were becoming more and more isolated at the end, hiding behind all those masks and make up i could always see your fragility, intelligence and spirituality, which doesnt go together long term with such a fame. i wanted to talk with you about it, but you didnt want to see your fans anymore after the shows. which i perfectly understood.
    i also felt that you will have to hit the bottom to get higher. you obviously did, thank g-d. you have a mission here, chris :)
    btw ive had similar problems when i was younger (i also called the emergency once in prague when i couldnt sleep and i thought i was going to die :) they told me to fuck off, that im too young for such problems). the only thing that finally got me out of the downward spiral was ayahuasca. that taught me how to get back in touch with myself again and how to treat my body and my soul with respect and listen to the signs.

    i think this blog of yours is a great thing and your mental condition was a gift. it gave the world a lot.

    i wish you a lot of strength.



  68. Lidiya Says:

    You are a genius, CC.

  69. Devon (Sunny {X} ) Says:

    You are my muse, my hero. Your strength gives me strength. I love you for your darkness and your light. I truly love you and truly care for you. You can be happy. You have shown me that.

  70. Olivia Adams Says:

    Dear {X},

    Reading this has opened my eyes and my heart in the same way your music does. I know I may never meet you, speak to you, or be near to you but I want you to know how wonderful you are. I want you to know how important you are and that I am thankful to have discovered, quite serendipitously, your beautiful soul. I, like you, was in a dark place, mentally and emotionally, several years ago until I heard your music for the first time. Your music struck a chord in my heart that resonates to this day. You have given me hope, the catalytic substance that urges me on no matter how unfortunate my circumstances may appear. You have made me feel connected, unified, and whole through your music and words of love and encouragement. You have reminded me that I can be happy. I wish, desperately, to repay all wisdom and condolences you have shared with me through your work. I wish you long, deep, peaceful sleep and pleasant dreams of a night sky full of brilliant stars and swirling galaxies. I wish that beautiful flowers of radiant light grow in the darkest corners of your heart and mind. Above all else please know that you are loved, by me and by many others, infinitely.

    With pure love and utter sincerity,

  71. Dave Says:

    I am touched by your intimate, very personal mind striptease. Even for someone who has luckily no background of depression or chronic insomina the blog is an excellent explanation of the terror you have been up to.

    I know that telling a depressed to just cheer up is impossible like telling an addict to just stop.
    However, being a little egoist missing the undescribable spirit and beautiness of IAMX shows I hope you will manage your next project mentioned. Actually, I am fully convinced that you will make it. For me the next IAMX album was always a brilliant successor, who has suspended the predecessor for miles. When I devour your words of the blog, I wonder if you have ever thought about writing a kind of autobiography ?

    Thank you for sharing your private thoughts and giving us a glimpse into your head. Get better in the appropriate time you need and I am looking forward to see a rested and stronger than before Chris leaving the stage saying Good Night and he means it. Lots of love, Dave

  72. AD Says:

    Im so glad to hear from you and I am very happy and sad at the same time to read your words. You and your music are a very important component in many areas of my life and I hope that in these difficult times your fans can give you back what you have given us over the years.

    Take care of yourself!

  73. Dali Cipher Says:

    Chris, you are an inspiration to me, and I was quite worried when the tour ended last year. I saw you and your band mates perform in Denver and the show was incredible and full of so much emotion and energy, I could see how you put so much of yourself into everything you do. So when I heard that just shortly after that show you were hospitalized, I panicked! It may seem silly but you are someone I adore and admire and it would break my heart if you were to leave this earth to soon. I do relate to what youre going through, I believe that you have saved me more times than I could ever count with your music and words.It fills my heart with so much happiness to know that there is light at the end of your tunnel. Much love, always and forever. Dali.

  74. david h Says:

    I am glad that you have seemed to work some things out for yourself spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Even though I dont know you personally, I was genuinely concerned for your health and safety. Not out of a selfish place where I wanted more music (although I would be lying if I said I wasnt looking forward to your next creative endeavor), but out of a basic sense of humanity and not wanting to see you suffer through such a crippling affliction. If you never make another video, write another lyric or play another song, you were still one of my greatest and most admired inspirations and I thank you earnestly from the bottom of my heart for the passion that you put into your art. I am a fan for life and consider myself blessed to have randomly discovered the brilliance that is you. I wish you a complete recovery and all of the best. You are an amazing human being, Chris

  75. juann Says:

    Wow, what to say? This is just stripped to the bone! It feels so good to hear that youre doing better now! Do what you think you need to do, but do it at most for your own! Fuck the Rest of it! Dont mind! And dont think to much- feel! The Tulip and the Raindrop should guide you! Thank you for being, thank you for sharing
    I really whish you all the best!

  76. Friend Says:

    Dear Chris, stay strong. No matter what comes. We will always support you and your music. We love you.

  77. Carlos Says:

    Thank you for your words, your music and yourself, i think im in some volatile times at the time, i don´t know what to do, but i feel optimistic about the future.

  78. Miyusav Says:

    Dear Chris

    I haven´t words to say how hepful your words have been to me.
    I have just arrived from my mother´s mass. She was all I had and she passed away a month ago after two years of fighting.
    I felt really sad today, and lonely. Rest of family were here. But the truth is I have only found comfort from YOU. I can really see what have you been feeling. Insomnia, depression, bad habits, adictions, over-thinking…
    Writing our feelings and share them make us feel better, so I am doing it too like you :) I know it helped you, as same as for me. For a strange reason, I couldn´t open my heart to other people but I can do it now. Because I can connect with you.

    We are stronger what we can think. Sometimes we don´t realise all we need is inside ourselves. Sometimes we can´t see the beauty of this world, for example I can see it inside you. Nature, meditation, art are always here to help us to find ourselves. And after all this suffering we really rebirth in a new person, more conscious and sure of what we are really and what we really want.

    Faith, my dear friend. We were healing ourselves. And this is just a beginning! Our past self is behind us! Our green dreams are ahead!
    We are powerful now!

    All my love.
    You are really beautiful in all your ways. Lights and shadows. All of them are the purest.

  79. Maria Says:

    Thank you for these words, Chris. They do give me comfort. I can relate, Ive been fighting my own battles and knowing that Im not alone strangely soothes wounds in my mind and spirit.
    Thank you for sharing this and thank you for your music, it has helped me to get through the tough times. You give me hope and strength.
    Stay strong. x

  80. Elizabeth Says:

    Dearest Chris,

    I am absolutely blown away. This was perhaps the most raw and intimate thing I have read in a very long time. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I know that I could not have been easy at all to write and to essentially re-live all of these painful times. I am so glad that you did though, not only for the healing benefits, but just for the fact that it lets us in on what you have been through so we can all better understand.

    Your courage and strength are truly inspiring, especially to those of us who do deal or have dealt with depression or anxiety. I hope you can take everything you have been through and transform that pain and negativity into armor for the future. I wish you the very best as you continue on your journey of healing.

    Love and best wishes always,


  81. stopauxconos Says:


    Im bipolar and I understand you Chris !

  82. Ali Says:

    My kingdom to share a hug with you in this lifetime the world would be a much more beautiful place if more people would share and love and feel as openly and honestly as you have, Chris. Your music has woken feelings from deep within me that have been dormant, dead and broken for many years. Cant wait to see you again here in North America. You should be headlining festivals with your brilliance. Yes, really. But first and foremost, take care of you. You changed my life and I havent even met you.
    Infinite love,

  83. Kelly Says:

    Hi Chris, Its ironic how when I read this, its as if Im reading my own story. I was at your show at Irving Plaza in 2013 and I remember how exhausted I was. I am a victim of chronic insomnia and that was one of the rare occasions I pushed myself to attend something I wanted to see for so long. I adore you and your work and think youre a brilliant man. I remember how exhausted I was at that concert and even told my friend how I was jealous of you because you are lucky to be able to travel around the world and not have exhaustion/insomnia. Its crazy how you were going through chronic insomnia as well. I bet you looked into the crowd jealous that we were awake and running on fuel when you had none. I thought you had energy and sleep and I cant believe how wrong I was. I have had this every day for 2 and a half years now and there are many times when I feel suicidal but Im finally starting to see a silver lining. I hope your insomnia goes away entirely and that your anxiety quells as I know how that feels. But with insomnia, I also have other health issues so its not the exact same thing but I actually know how you feel. I feel like Im just watching my life pass me by and even though Im living, I am not living at all. It made me reflect on the important certain things are and to shun most of the superficiality in the world and Im hoping to recover this year. I adore you Chris and I know you feel people shouldnt feel sorry but I do. I know how hard it is to deal with this as its living hell and no one understands how it feels unless they have it. I wish you the best in all you do and your future endeavors.

    Kelly xx

  84. Jason Says:

    So glad to hear directly from you in such vulnerable detail. I know what its like to suffer from yourself all your life. Sleep is an issue sometimes for me but mostly depression like crazy all my life which still lingers to this day. As a fellow musician I know exactly how our thoughts control us and how trying to vent it out to music can haunt us even worse.
    Stay healthy, my friend. Looking forward to the next album & AMERICAN tour!!!
    Love ya, CCX!


  85. Danaë Says:

    Thank you for sharing, Chris. Lots of love x

  86. Sarai Says:

    Amazing read. Sometimes life just pulls the rug right under our feet, we stumble, we fall, we think many stupid negative stuff, but then we also have insights, and see truths, just like you described and discovered. At the end it seems like its even worth it, in a way, because otherwise there wouldnt be the new you and new thoughts that have now come to be. Its interesting to see that transformation in a person. I love how youve described it so honestly and profoundly and Im glad youre now moving towards health. It would be interesting to see what this change brings, so again, Ill be here 4,205 odd miles away rooting for whatever you do creatively. ;) Cheers! Sarai

  87. Jonathon Says:


    After such a long silence, the mind tends to forget. When I saw the IAMX update in my email box, emotions, memories, came flooding back. Reading your experience, brings empathy. Association. Communion. Your down to the core words, blogs, even more so than your music, brings about such an affirmation of not feeling like I am truly alone, in what I experience. What I feel. The numbing blackness, of addiction, of constant thought, striving for meaningful art-existenceit is a demon. Demons. My foes. My friends. My eternal companions. Chris Corner. Thank you. Thank you for sharing something that is so very personal. So very meaningful. So very true. I always shall gain shards of light, from your insight. My eternal best to you. And hopefor the future.


  88. Star Step Says:

    I have been with you in the sense that I felt it. whether through empathy or psychosis or knowing. It is truth. I saw you at a show a mile high and felt it coming. you can die in peace now.. I knew what that was for.. of course I had sent that out before you came..to hear see you close by before the end of my days..fighting for my life on a physical plane at the time. I had my Crash-es 13 weeks with no sleep..with witnesses.. I had great help..I was ready for it.. the place was so good and benevolent it went out of business helping so many with a program that worked. One dream of mine to get it going again. No such thing as crazy just pain and hurt . the most devastating astounding beautiful emerging morphing creating feeling time of my life in retrospect..My rebirth date is 5/28/93 ish..then the suicidal ideation magnified by medications yet as one doc said better addicted then dead. Still here..actually my third chance..
    you know what tour..dont tour..write for us dont write ..whatever you do.do it utterly entirely for you.

  89. Yan Ling Says:

    It has been a difficult time for you Chris. Were glad you made it back. Thanks for sharing everything that has happened and how you dealt with them. Its inspirational for someone who has also been fighting to return to the creative side, yet still apathetic and afraid of failure. Im finally taking that dive this year and enrolling into a university that Ive waited 4 years for.

    Thanks for all the inspiration and guidance in your music.

    Stay healthy and lots of love!
    Yan Ling

  90. Terri Izzi Says:

    Chris, you understand totally. It is the eternity that matters, not this brief time on this planet. You know how to experience life and absorb and share beauty. You give all of yourself to the world. That is eternity. The love that we all have for you is such a powerful Oneness and a connection with each other. Your IAMX music is eternal. It is deep within our Souls and will live on within us forever! I was in shock the whole night I was at your concert in Seattle. omg. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and letting us know you are out there. I secretly and selfishly hope that with this experience and time on your own, that you have already started creating new, wonderful IAMX musicor at least getting some really cool ideas. You are so creative and can do anything you want, and we adore anything that comes from you. Noone can top IAMX music. You have spoiled our Souls. <3 Terri

  91. DoraJuhasz Says:

    Dear Chris,
    I read this again and again, your words were burnt into my mind. We give you uncontrolled love, you want to requite it. This endless circle is good and bad in many ways but this is how human relationship works.
    You know, I started to read Richard Dawkins books because of you and it helps me with my own nightmares. I understand the world much more than before, including your art.
    You gave us the key but the choice, what we would do with it, was up to us.
    I chose to be with you until the very end.
    Because I love to love too in a way of respect and admisson. This meaningless, preposterous feeling is the best thing in me. In us. In the world.
    Ill wait patiently for the following adventure.
    You are safe because we are here.we are one in the unified field.

  92. Angela Says:

    I dont know if I should take solace or sadness in that so much of this is familiar. A friend of mine sent this to me with the intention of showing me an example that my feelings were just mundane figments shared by many and therefore could be defeated or channeled in a powerful way. However, it just makes me feel all the more hopeless; the most significant controlling aspect of my life is commonplace.

    Meh. That sound pretty much sums up this melodramatic internal conflict.

    Your rally in the beginning is inspiring. I wish I was able to take it to heart more. Thank you nonetheless.

    PS: My friend makes fun of me because Unified Field is my favorite IAMX song. The same friend also insists on playing a playlist consisting of nothing but IAMX when we have sex so I think we take different things from your music. Also, I now have an odd Pavlovian response whenever I hear any of those IAMX songs now. I thought you might find that amusing.

  93. Angelina. Greece Says:

    You can reach people through music, lyrics, photos, art and you definitely have the gift to do it. Your music and lyrics have been the means of reaching my heart, soul, emotions since Splinter. Chris, the artist, Chris the gifted one, Chris the special one, Chris the ever adored and admired one. All these expectations can be overwhelming. Today, I realized once again how immediate is the effect of being only myself, yourself, ourselves. I read the story of Chris with no make up or dress up. And I feel closer to you than ever.Can we create without torturing ourselves, without trying too hard? I hope so, I try to. Sharing has always been my moving power. Too much of it can be exhausting. None of it can be devastating. I believe (and hope) that this different sharing shows that you are already coming out of this darkness more complete and more tender to yourself.
    From me, love, respect, admiration, dedication.

  94. Erin Says:

    This is such an amazing read. Weirdly enough, its hugely comforting to see others going through the same bullshit its a reminder that depression is not a personal failing, its present in so many, the same circles of thought, theres a common understanding. Your thoughts are not you. Thank you for being together enough to write this and publish it so I can look at it and feel less isolated. Miles away on the other side of the world, a stranger understands perfectly what Im dealing with. Theres beauty in that.

  95. Elina Jatko Says:

    This has made me love again

  96. JB Says:

    Thanks so much for writing and sharing this.
    I really would like to hug you right now for putting into words the melancholy and the hopelessness that came over me in the last year and the way through that mist back into not only reality but back to Now. Knowing that Chronos is a bitch that has way to much power in our every day live.
    Love and all the best I wish for you, Jana.

  97. KizzyDoll Says:

    Thank you for this very open and heartfelt message. Through it we can find understanding for you even more. Your music has always been a tonic for me esepcially the last years as I went through some really bad and scary things, I was able to find a light again and understanding of it all. So, I thank you for that. And I find it inspiring for you to share something so close and real to us all here, so that we might understand you even more. Sometimes we stumble and get lost, but it is being able to admit when we are struggling and need something that is the start of building ourselves stronger & I know you will get there once again. I tend to get bouts of over-thinking, depression and anxiety here and there, I think its a thing creative people get sometimes, its not easy. You will pull through more and more, because you are strong and marvellous and amazing and full of talent and depth. We are stronger than we think or realize and you will get there once again. Am so pleased you are getting thereI look forward to when we can see you again. Remember that you are loved just as you are by us all <333

  98. Angela Sorrells Says:

    Thank you for your candor, Chris, and for your willingness to be so open to all of your fans. Your struggle is a personal one, but when you share it with all of us you allow us the opportunity to have a similar conversation with ourselves. Reading this did just that for me, and I will be forever grateful.

    You said things I needed to hear but have been too cowardly to say to myself. Thank you. You are not alone in this. I hope you continue to find peace, love, and calm in your life.

    All the best

  99. Sunil Says:


    You have no idea how many people you have helped and healed with your music. The first time I listened to IAMX I was blown away with the majesty, beauty and sheer emotion of it all. I hope you recover and I truly wish you the best of health and happiness.
    the world will wait for you. just get better.

    There are so many of us out here who you have helped. Hopefully our words and thoughts and positivity can help you a little.

  100. Zero Lin Says:

    Overwhelmed by all kinds of feelings, I really dont know what to say after all this. You sir, are so much more than just a musician. You are a beautiful inspiration.

  101. Magda Sieprawska Says:

    Dear Chris,

    first of all, thank you. For your honesty, for your will to share your words and experiences.
    It happened that 2013 was particularly hard for me too, leaving me consequently in a state of a broken doll. I was diagnosed with personal disorder and some anxiety-depressive issues. Whats significant, your tour back then was a true gasp of breath for me, when I could break away, even for a moment, from my problems and from being me. What I want to say with your struggle you helped others with their struggle.
    I went for a professional help and still keep fighting with my anxiety and low self-esteem. And as you have said words of others who are also fighting with various similar or not issues, give me hope and strength. Your words gave me them and I want to save them in this overloaded machine called my head.
    Youre right the best prove that we are stronger than we seem, is that we keep going on. Every single step, every single attempt counts and shows we still can. Youve made huge steps and huge attempts and they count more than any moment of weakness.
    Thank you, Chris. Take care of yourself, you wonderful, marvelous fragile bitch. ;)
    And by the way the photo of your niece is lovely. And isnt that true that dogs are the best mood-improvers of the world? :)

  102. Marion Kabus Says:

    Hi Chris, thank you for your true and open words. I lost my father 30 years ago, when I was a child. My world stopped for many many many years. I think my life was like a vacuum. He was shot down by a crazy man. A very tragic moment for me and the rest of my life. It took many years to be like I am now. I am a very happy woman. And I enjoy every moment in my life. I wish for you, you can listen inside you and your soul. Only on this way, youll know, what you need to be lucky. If you cant hear your soul, go out into the nature, a forest or a quiet place at see and enjoy .youll find yourself again and will be happy!!!
    Send lots of good power on this way to you Chris and maybe well see us again in Berlin (like March 2013 pre-listen-dinner) or anywhere. Take care of yourself and your special sensitive soul. Youre always in our minds. I know, how you feel.
    Thank you!
    Marion (..and yes, Danny say Hello Chris ;-))

  103. sun_sunovna Says:

    ​dear Christopher, thank you for you are so open and frank with us!! thank you for your courage to tell us such intimate things! thank you for you are so Real!))
    i was reading this letter with tears in my eyes. tears of love. tears of pain. tears of sympathy. tears of understanding and feeling i-survived-through-the-same-thing And misunderstanding at same time
    your words stir up my own memories that i wanted to forget and never get back to it . never thought i`ll tell this in public, but seems like it is good moment to open up myself set my demons free, let them out and say them goodbye
    little more than two years ago i stood in the same choking tunnel. character and reason of my going down was different, but it was very hard to me anyway. in one moment all my life was ruined my family turned away from me, person i was in love with betrayed me, i`ve lost my job, most of my friends got their own big-important-things-in-life marriages, pregnancies, babies i stayed totally alone.
    unlike your my depression had another extreme of sleep deviation: i was sleeping all the time i slept almost 24 hours a day. i did not want to wake up, because in that rare moments i was awake, i only crying crying of hopelessness, of pointlessness of me and my life, of impuissance. i felt like all the light, all the happiness and ability to feel joy were sucked out on me im remembering that time as one huge black hole. i prefered to stay out of this world in sleeping (even despite part of my dreams were a nightmares they were better than cold and darkness of reality).
    my kind of escapism
    if to be honest, i thought this is the end, i thought i`m too weak to fight. and the main thing i saw nothing to fight for no reasons, no motivation it is scary thing to say, but i was close to suicide((( i was standing on the edge of ugliest abyss I ever seen (said this and felt shivers down my spine! brr!!)

    but miracle happened there were helping hands, which lifted me back to life. it was long and difficult way back to people out of the desert of silence and reclusion. im still on this way, actually and it`s still hard sometimes. but the hardest was the First Step. and yes, as you said i became WILL machine machine to survive. time after time i wanted to give up and go back to cosy cuddle of sleep, but i was telling myself you HAVE TO go forward even if it painful!
    i`m very-very grateful to that few people who helped me, who learned me to love this fucking life and to see the beauty around me again, who made me feel in harmony with myself

    it were many words about me (maybe even too many excuse me for that. i think partly i did the same thing you did by means of this letter show that this horror is in a past). but its about you, too, Christopher: your words about your disease, about your suffering made me feel real physical pain, but the fact you have made your hardest thing – the First Step filled my heart with hope and proud for you!!)) i believe you`ll win!!
    you have support and love of your family, your friends and us your iamx-beauties, you are not alone please remember it))
    you are on your way to Harmony within you and of course you have the Magic inside your soul Music! you are incredible! the road ahead is long, but your inner energy is strong enough, and i`m sure everything gonna be fine!
    I`m holding your hand (even if it is only in the spirit, i hope you feel such a things :) ), sending wave of goodness and my endless love to you!! thank you, dearest Chris for everything you do and for who you are!

    With deepest respect, warmest hugs and tones of love,


  104. patt Says:

    I just know that i love youfor all you are.
    <3 always X.

  105. Trudy McCoo Says:

    Goin down. Yes, thats exactly what it feels like. I was discussing depression with a dear, long-time friend just last week and we both agreed that its almost a physical feeling of sinking. Its so scary, isnt it? How you coped without sleeping I cant begin to imagine. I rarely suffer insomnia but I did struggle briefly with it back in 2008 and again at the beginning of 2009. The sudden hospitilisation of my father and the fear and anxiety that arose from that, followed by finding my mothers body when she passed away, 2 months later, then followed by my fathers death. As if that wasnt enough, much more was piled upon me until I finally broke on Boxing Day 2008. I remember the anxiety keeping me from the sleep I needed so badly; sitting and rocking on my bed, pulling at my hair and pleading to someone, anyone for help. I remember driving to the hospital in the next town, after yet another emergency situation with my father, and feeling like the car wasnt performing right, then parking up and making an urgent phone call to a loved one for reassurance. It was me who wasnt working right! Eventually, when the clouds began to part a little, and calm came from kind words and a regular prescription, I gradually began to come out of the darkness and find strength and hope again. I think thats what pulls us through, hope. That, and the knowledge that it wasnt always like this. But there is always that fear, isnt there?

    Chris, you have my sincere admiration for opening your heart to us all and sharing these ruminations on your dreadful experience. They say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and I think that must be true. You see, when things get difficult and the fear begins to creep in again, you can always tell yourself Ive been through worse than this. If this sounds trite, I apologise. Im a bit of a wordsmith myself but your talent far exceeds mine.

    Chris, I hope you can keep the wild horses of your mind reined in and I send you my love. X

  106. Dorota Says:

    Dear Chris, thank you for these words. Thank you for your amazing music. Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for being who you are.
    We love you very much. Take care of yourself! x

  107. Dusty Norberg Says:


    Thanks so much for sharing this personal insight into what has been happening with you. It makes me feel even closer to you and the beautiful music you make. I feel I can relate to what you say on many levels and it is nice to know Im not alone. I too have had a rough 2013 dealing with anxiety issues. It took me a while to figure out what it was and I still dont know why or what is causing it. Its a dark place to be. It feels like its never going to end. The words you wrote brought tears to my eyes. I wish you love and light in these dark days, as you recover you will be in my thoughts. Nature is a great place to start, I always feel at home there. Take care Chris, I hope to see you again on stage and through your music. it has helped me in so many ways.

  108. RODNEY LADINO Says:

    Thank you for sharing this. Beautiful. Strong. Full of pain and hope. REAL.

  109. Veronica Glass Says:

    I already take a moment to write after I read part of this blog.
    Certainly this:
    Youre not sick, you are a person who can not meet the demand so great, the pressure is good for certain : for example, my mother can not do with his life , a life without electrical chocks to finally make decisions

    it is painful to bear ! ! and it is painful to understand.

    However, I think too deeply you want to respond to a wave that never loose you

    Always wave carries you and you , you are consistent .
    It is so important to stop as you made :)
    ​​your good conscience and mind-warning were heard.

    Then you have passed the course and the future look like emerge with the best that you could want: the awareness of the real beauty of life and natural things , family, .. you could expect nothing better as a gift after the great things you have done and I am so happy to read this.

    good luck

  110. Veronica Glass Says:

    I started reading the blog where the little girl who plays ball jumper, and now, I finished everything.

    confess : I am disconnected from society ! im not usual one, too , but im a cool one and ,my only 2 members of family i have ,after all other not appreciate my mind, my personnality and try to formate me, my choices,.. and they loose
    2 mine are not unhappy by the way i made our life!
    about Society, i use it for me only and my needs , not use because im forced and even if I lack sleep, I manage to keep my mind because you, me, or others that need the comfort of a place where life can be free and relaxing, intellectual smoothly with travels or take a pause. (and a good dose between humidity and temperature)
    You pushed your creativity: it will be not more useful to have this pain now, things will go and everything will fall into place.
    The joy when you create before .. is not an error , i see you happy before, you are not another . plunge in a lake, is a moment happy and you have this chance too, or , take a limousine , another one .
    No problem with two kind of pleasure , just keep you . keep you safe ,closed ,if the pleasure become too bad.

    Finally, I was emulsified by reading, and I could say, yes this, yes yes this and more and more and more ., of course,!!
    your feel opens `dialogue. but Im going to stop (you see, it is possible to stop even if you still think soooo is to say)
    After that, feels good.

  111. Iris Says:

    may the universe be with you and let it guide you.
    lots of love and deep, pure, un-reason-able understandig
    I believe (A) I believe (U) I believe (M)

  112. Magdalena Says:

    Dear Chris!

    Last year I was on your concert in Prague. The most lovely, energetic, AWESOME concert Ive ever been. I could touch you during peform, feel your emotions and listen music which HELP me. Literally. Now Id like to do sth for you. Im really touched by your confession here. You are honest person, very affectional. Some of words here can be lines of your new songs. Im glad that family help you. Im sure that influence of nature (DOG!) are changing you inside and cure you. I have you in my mind all the time. I cant speak English in artistic way like you are but if I could speak with you by heart-language Im sure we would talk all day. I KNOW you start a new life. Your insomnia disappears and every step become easier, more pleasant.

  113. Tekla Says:

    All the people. They all. They are right. Each and every word written as a response here (and not only here) is true, honest and comes from the deepest places of hearts and minds.
    I have been looking for my own words. My own words to write them here, to show you how much touched me everything you wrote, how much I understand you and how strongly I am with you all the time. I couldnt find these words. Reading this blog I was able only to tremble and cry. My thoughts are still chaotically going through my mind now. I cant focus them and clearly express what I would like to. (Maybe it would be easier if I could say it in my mother language. Its difficult to express all the feelings in foreign language).
    I used to apply the principle that silence is the only appropriate answer or reaction in some situations. Maybe I am wrong but I just do it in my life and now I d like to do this too.
    Let it be my silence here. Silence which says everything that words cannot.

    What I know for sure: I wouldnt deal with reality without you. Thank you for everything. I love you and never leave you.
    Although virtually, somehow even unrealistically, I treat you as my closest friend. You are my secret friend, Chris.

    Sending you the warmest of hugs {X}

  114. Lou Oceania Says:

    Hello dearest Chris,

    Im still lost for words. Since Ive read this, something deep inside me is changed.
    Thank you for your hyper-honesty. I can truly say Ill remember this forever.
    Nothing ever influenced me as much as your art and words did. Every word you say opens my eyes wider to this beautiful world. I am in love with this world. We can enjoy our lives. I desperately want you to be happy, Chris.
    Your music became my best friend. You are perfect as you are, thats true. And we all lucky to know you to have the opportunity to feel your music.
    And thank you for the advices. I need them. I am, too, the one of those whose mind is never quiet

    Have a wonderful day!

    Eternal love,
    yours, Louise
    (I still embrace the trees:))

  115. Kae Nightingle Says:

    Chris, I know I have already commented on Facebook but I just have to comment again you are so wise. I hope that you do not forget your own wisdom. I know how the darkness can make this hard.

    I send all my best intentions for you into the Universe may they uplift you and deliver you pure Love.

    I love and admire you very much. Some day I hope to see you perform if you come back to America, but it is enough of an honor to love and admire you from a distance.

  116. Ari Says:

    By exposing your vulnerability, youve revealed a humanity that we all share. Despite your plunge into the darkest of times, your perseverance has carried you far enough to document your past years struggle with such clarity and philosophical resonance. Just remember that you are an inspiration to many and it is your previous acts of passion, art and creativity that have drawn such a diverse set of individuals to you.
    I myself have struggled with the worst of my treatment-resistant depression and opiate dependency in the last two years, what at first seemed like a natural reaction to a tumultuous relationship ending and close friends passing away, that became all-consuming and unmanageable.
    I only hope that by retreating to your homeland, seeing professionals and expressing your creativity, that you have managed to find some level of relief.
    Youll be in my thoughts.

  117. Giovanina Says:

    Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. What you describe is similar to how I felt and still feel. So very sorry you must go though this,but know you are not alone.

  118. Christina Marin Says:

    Dear Chris,

    Reading this blog on May 1, 2014 in Los Angeles, CA, and thinking it is so timely. May is Mental Health Awareness month in the U.S.

    Your personal narrative is motivating and inspirational to many of those who have personally experienced or know someone that has experienced depression, anxiety and chronic insomnia or any other diagnosis. Unfortunately we live in a society that shames and stigmatizes those living with mental illness, increasing the helplessness and hopelessness of the individual experiencing such symptoms.

    However, it is critical to recognize that you are not alone. There is hope, there are people that care for your wellbeing (that goes for anyone reading this). Suffering makes you a human being. It forces you to recognize the primal pleasures that we are often stripped from due to the daily grind of our industrialized world and capitalist expectations that cause more stressors than pleasure.

    Chris, it is great that you are capable of looking at the positives in what has seemed like a black void; reframing your maladaptive thoughts and refraining from catastrophizing situations. Therapy and medication management is integral to recovery. Building a relationship with your therapist and holding onto the support from loved ones, friends, and fans. Be grateful that you have so much support.

    I wish you the best in your road to recovery, and your journey back into a world of beauty and passion. The simplest forms of joy (e.g. nature, love, friendship, conversations) are good for the soul. We love your art forms, but your mental health and well being should be your primary concern. Thats not selfish, this is self efficacy.

    Warm support and empathy from Christina (clinical social work therapist)

  119. Michelle Davies Says:

    I am left sitting silently from reading your words
    My thoughts have dispersed to leave my brainspace clear of confusion for a change and Im left with only feelings of relief, sorrow, and joy for you. Ive stopped thinking about me It feels quite liberating and humbling !?
    I pray you embrace and enjoy life Chris.

  120. Elvira Says:

    Om bravo! You are a brilliant musician to the bone

  121. CLN Says:

    A very touching message Thank you to share your experience with us.
    You explained it so clearly, I hope this post allowed you to relieve you

    WE are the ones who have to thank YOU. Please no more suffering.
    Good luck for your new project but Im sur it will be approuved by everybody here.

    breathe, feel, live !


  122. Zoe Says:

    First of all, its massive glad to hear back from you Chris. Welcome back.
    I was really relief when finishing reading this blog. Thank you for not give up. I just want to say, I believe that human beings are the strongest inside. Life is tough but there is always something we will not let it go. I have the faith in fighting for a true me, and I hope to share this to you. We love you, not only as the brilliant artist, but another man, equalled just like ourselves, fighting through his music.
    Please take care, and we will wait your glamour back.
    Love from China

  123. wall Says:

    first for a long time Ive understood how much I missed you.
    I am not the greatest human to talk about. I even dont speak English as well as I want. I always tried to leave before Im replaced, and I always stay alone in the end. But I noticed one thing youve never left me. Even at these strange times when I felt nothing and avoided everything that reminded me my past, my better times and my better version of me. Now it seems that I became wiser and a bit older. Your words coincided with some of my thoughts and I must to say Thank you for giving me a strenght to go along and stay myself. Thank you, Christopher.
    I just remembered your eyes 11 months ago [8th of June 2013, Lviv]. If I havent mistaken it was Walk With The Noise. You know, Ive never seen so much loneliness and pain in humans eyes before. I wont forget this look for my whole life. Furthermore, Ill never forget the Inspiration that you gave me. And all these magnificent times when I was close to cry from the Beauty.
    I could write here a post with size of War and Peace but heres a lot of people who can do it without me.
    Stay strong. You know how many people really loves you. They will never forget you.
    one of the crowd.
    With love from Kiev.

  124. Amanda Says:

    This will sound odd but my boyfriend yesterday mentioned details of your blog post, (we both love you to death), and I ended up dreaming of you last night. We were listening to your new album (the one you havent made yet) and laying on a bed next to you just staring into your eyes, observing the pain and the tiredness. My heart goes out to you. My boyfriend suffers from anxiety and intelligence and I suffer from wanting to ease everyones suffering. I thought the dream might comfort you somehow, as if we could be near you on a spiritual level. Chris, you owe us nothing. We are grateful for everything. Take a break. We are one of few fan bases that will understand. We love you.

  125. Julia Parado{X} Says:

    So many wonderful inspiring words were already said here. I still believe that all the good thoughts which are being sent to you are then being transformed into the positive energy. I can say the same about love. Its such a unique thing that we, (X) family all around the world have so much in common. And (this is the most wonderful feeling), that we have so much in common with you, though we dont know you personally.
    You are an amazing person (but you know it, of course). And you are strong, like youve said here.
    You needed to overcome this fucking desease. And Im feeling you did. Now your thoughts are not dark. They have hope and warmth. Maybe this is true you? Sarcasm is a good friend sometimes, but anger and sorrow dont bring anything good into our lives. Except the IAMX music everything is being transformed into beauty. I know the only one person who manages to do this. But what is left inside? Those things leave their mark. They are being accumulated and in the end they are just wounding, destroying you. But you know that better than me. So it was a right desision to stop it. I can honestly say now that you have infected my mind with beauty along with the depression. At first I felt its right. This is who I really am and I dont fucking care about anyone elses opinion. But now I realize, that its getting hard to hold all this in my head. I dont suffer from either bad habits or insomnia, and Im only 22 (fucked up twenty-two, like your lyrics said once), but I feel fucking shambles because of these thoughts affecting my brain (which also influence my health). And I know this just cant continue any longer. I have to stop it before it ruined me.
    After so many months of worrying about you, of beling incredibly sad about not having possibility to witness your existence again, now, I feel calm and happy reading this post. At first I was just crying, feeling pity about you and myself, but the second time Ive read this it was a relief.
    You, like no one else, deserve happiness. Although its just a just a skill, a discipline. (c)
    And you know what? We also can be happy. If good thoughts are going through our heads, they are affecting everything. Including our health. Now you understand this.
    There was no doubt that you would get through. You are stronger than most people. And it inspires others to live (there were so many examples of this). I dont know yet about myself whether I want to continue fighting or not. But when I meet you and see your smile (this is actually the only thing that I believe in now), I will be happy and saved.

    Dear Chris, you are my Hero. Dont ever give up. You are stronger than your thoughts. Be brave and dont forget to take care of yourself, its not because we need you, but because you need yourself.

    Everything is alright in the end, if its not alright, then its not the end. ©

    And thank you for your honesty and trust to us. It means a lot.

    Endless love and support,

  126. RikkiSixx Says:

    I want to respond to such a beautifully worded post with something equally as beautifully worded but I know I am going to fall short so I am just going to be honest.
    I am so grateful to you Chris, and for the music you have brought into my life. I am so grateful that i was able to see IAMX live in the flesh finally, and I had no idea during that amazing show in Portland that you were suffering in any fashion.
    You brought life into my soul and I had no idea that yours was hurting so.
    I am so glad that you were able to find some peace by returning to your roots and I am glad you know how much your IAMX children love you. I do hope to see you perform live again, but most importantly, I hope to see you happy and well again, even if that meant never going to another IAMX concert.
    I would rather see you joyful and creating than miserable in the flesh.
    Please know that I will happily support you and IAMX for the rest of my life anyway that I am capable. I rarely can do much financially speaking, but I do my part by bringing new fans in and trying to get more people to buy more of your stuff. I also was happy to buy as much merch as my poor little self could afford at your show and online.
    Chris, please care for yourself above anything else, we will all be here waiting for if/when you are ready to come back xxxxxx

  127. Maja Says:

    Dear Chris, first of all, thank you for your openness and your really personal thoughts that you have shared with us. I have to read your blog several times, I wanted to understand everything correctly.

    For me unbelievable what you have written. I need 8 hrs sleep every night. As a child I loved to take a nap, only to get a rest, to be alone and to turn off my mind. Unbelievable to me, you can survive something like that what you have described.
    Silence, peace, darkness and music are my lifeblood.
    Your music helps us in so many situations in life, hardly to imagine to be without music. You create in your sleepless nights all this what makes us sleep better. Crazy.

    Finding a balance between your brilliant art and hopefully less self-destructed life seems to be your task for your future.
    I really wish that you can and will make it. Your fans will support you in your way.
    Thanks again for your great music!

  128. Kara Barbieri Says:


    So glad to hear from you again. This post was beautifulin an almost painful way. Perhaps because Ive had experiences similar to thisright down to the insomniaor perhaps because you just write with emotion no matter what. You are brave and strong and a fighter like no other. You are beautiful and you can be happy.

    Your music has always spoken to me, as Ive been diagnosed with a multitude of mental disorders ever since I was 7. 18 now and theyve finally figured out whats wrong with meIm a Bipolar Borderline. So, as someone with both a mood and personality disorder, who has turbulent ups-and-downs, spirals into self-hate, and whose perception is skewed in paranoia and black and whites, your musicwellit has always spoken to me. I find myself listening to it any time, when Im upset, mad, sad, happy, excited. You have the ability to bring a spirit into people. You brought spirit into me.

    Im a firm believer that everyones greatest strengths are also our biggest weaknesses. For me, its the emotions I feel and the intensity I feel them that causes havoc in my lifebut it also allows my artwork and writing to be above average. I think that this could be applied to you too.

    Dont despair, Chris. Healing will come. Your family seems very supportive and caringand thats always one of the most crucial things to have. The pain may never fade completely, but it becomes bearable. It becomes an inspiration, a drive to continue, rather than something that pushes you down. But I think you already know this.

    As for your art, your music, I always hope I will be able to listen to IAMX, but thats my selfish desire. You must do whats right for your life and health. And we will be happy, because you will be happy.

    I wish you all the best, Sir. In live, in love, in health, in happiness. Fight for itbecause its worth the struggle.

    With love,


  129. Trent Lapinski Says:

    Your music has been there for me, and invoked countless feelings of solidarity through my own struggles throughout most of my life. Thank you for posting this blog post and sharing your art so I can let you know personally how much you and your work have meant to me.

    Although clearly touring in 2013 probably wasnt the best thing for you in 2013, I wouldnt have met my girlfriend had I never attended your show in San Francisco. As if your music wasnt a gift enough, I now have you to thank for bringing her and other amazing friends into my life. There is a silver lining in everything, so please never give up.

    Thank you for your music, and for writing this blog post, it took a lot of courage.

  130. Webby Says:

    Thanks Chris,
    Beutifully written & explained. Keep on fighting believing & creating.

  131. LT Says:

    Dear Chris,
    It was obvious that you do not abandoned us without a good reason. I thank you for writing this blog because I know now that our little attentions to you was not in vain. Your music and your writings were important in my life. they brought me from darkness to light when my sky was so dark. Today, Im here for you. For you to know that Ill always be there for you, whatever happens and whatever you decide Our love will bless you.
    With all my love,

  132. Lyna Says:

    This was by far, the most uplifting post you have every written. I thank you for these beautiful and inspirational words. You have given me (and others) so much hope and joy over the years. All I can say is thank you so much for what you do and who you are.

  133. [Feli.vanJ.] Says:

    Dear Christopher,

    in this very moment I cant think of any other words than Thank you!. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story with me / us. Knowing that there are people struggling with the same experiences I made (and still make, to a certain extent) helps a lot for some reason.

    You say, you still find comfort in reading about people like you, so Ive decided to share my story with you, as well as with all those walking in the same shoes, hoping to maybe even make you guys feel better a little by giving you a tiny piece of the comfort that unfortunately I didnt receive in a time when I desperately needed it.

    Im not gonna say I went through the exact same, but through a similar thing though. My trip to my very own private hell started in December 2012 and was about to take all of me when finally I realised that I cant go on like that. Until then, I spent months of health problems and weeks of insomnia, just like you, trying to put that feeling of being restless, lacking something I couldnt name and at the same time having lost everything, including my closest friend as well as myself, somewhere along the way in writing, working on my music and art like a madman, just to end up throwing everything I used to create during the times I couldnt sleep away to start all over again, smoking tons of cigarettes and telling myself that Id be able to handle my depression, my anxiety and my insomnia this way. In all these years of walking this planet and always getting my shit back together all on my own, I had never needed any help; Ive always hated showing any signs of weakness and I still do.

    I grew up in a working-class family, raised with and used to the thought that the show must go on, no matter what ever happens. They say just admitting theres a problem is half the battle and when the warning signs are right in front of you, theres no denying the truth. But how the frick are you supposed to see these warning signs when youre.. lets say, kinda colour-blind?! Sticky situation, isnt it..
    It took two almost car accidents, months of suffering and a physical as well as mental collapse after lacking sleep once again for 1,5 weeks in a row to make me realise that there might be something wrong with me. How pathetic and ridiculous, right? So the doctors had me tested, I received a check up from head to toe, and all I ever heard was the phrase Im sorry, but youre medically fine.. Was I? Wasnt I? I dont know how about you, but the phase I hated the most was when I was doubting my own apperception. I felt sick, I couldnt take a single step out the door, no one really believed me and I began to wonder whats true or false. All I wanted was to be released from all this. So I started to think about death very often.

    Im an elderly care nurse, so death is always somewhere near me. And I dont mind that. Weeks of terminal care, pushing corpses what normal things to do for me. I love being a nurse, although it can be a hell of a job at times. On really bad days I come home after work, light a cigarette, think of my loved ones and see them as walking diseases. In those moments, I’m an oracle. I can tell you what youll die from. When Im good, even at what age. Im not proud of that. But since I was born to be a care bear, I still take a lot of pleasure in helping those who cant help themselves, in putting people in their wheelchairs, holding their hands, working overtime nearly every day, being on call, sitting on a stranger’s bed in the middle of the night, saying Youre going to be okay, I promise! a hundred times a day. Even though Im always the first to know when theyre not, since my gut feeling never lies and I simply feel it when death comes to creep around a patients bed, waiting for me to get my ass out of the room, so that he can do his job. The final strike, if you will. But I still keep on promising. Nurse Superawesome. Always ready for the next adventure. Always in for a quick chat over a cup of tea and a cigarette. Always smiling, being cynical as fuck and making sarcastic jokes about everything and everyone. Mostly about herself. All aware of the fact that she makes promises she cannot always keep, just to make someone feel better for a tiny moment. And suddenly, theres death, right next to you, hunting your thoughts all the time and you start wondering whos there to comfort you now (apart from your cat, coming to check if the feeding machine is still alive and to scrounge a stroke and a kiss on the head every now and then), and if you deserve such comfort at all.

    I suck at taking anyway. All I can do is give. Most of the time I use to care about others more than I care about myself. I enjoy seeing them happy, so I do most everything thats in my power to make them reach a mental state being positive. This might sound weird, considering that Ive always been quite sociophobic ever since I was a child. Im not comfortable with being constantly surrounded by too many people. Same goes for unexpected and avoidable noise – it drives me up the pole. So I spend my time trying to break out of the daily madness for a while by walking around in those abandoned places the vibrant capital of Germany Ive been calling home for 4 years now offers, to hide and find myself again in them and to enjoy the silence they keep.

    I think I dont need to tell you how it works; of course I received lots of medication to calm the frick down, to be able to sleep again and to face the world outside without constantly thinking I wish I was somewhere else right now and feeling uncomfortable on the inside, no matter where I go. Thinking, meditating, doing things I love and seeing a therapist once a week for cognitive behavioral therapy kinda helps, I found my way back in job half a year ago and Im glad I did. Also, I took a huge step and contacted my closest friend that I seemed to had lost so long ago. Hes with me again now, my soulmate, so far away in another country and always by my side though, there to share tears and laughter, to stand by me in every single moment that takes place in my fucked up life, giving me the unconditional support I need(ed) without thinking twice, asking any questions or wanting me to explain anything. Everything he does means the world to me. Sometimes I think I should tell him more often.

    Long talk, no sense:
    Its nice to know that weve made it. Things are about to get normal again. For you, for me and hopefully also for others who have been suffering out there. The all normal madness.
    Were feeling a little better now. And maybe we even needed this wake-up call of our bodies and minds, not only to make us realise were on the wrong track, but also to make us reach an all new, an advanced state of mind.

    Im genuinely wishing you the best; for yourself, for your life, for your (always amazing) work.
    Tusind tak for every single creative output of yours.
    I respect and appreciate all of them.

    Much love and strength from Berlin,
    ~ Feli

  134. Magnus Says:

    Thank you! As I am in my bed an unable to sleep as my head is as TV-static and I cant wind down, your post gave comfort in that I recognized myself in your words. I feel strengthen by them and with more strength i might be able to shake off the things that drain me. Again, thank you!

  135. Kathy Says:

    Thank you.

  136. levinjah Says:

    Chris, through all these tormenting masks I can see the beauty that your are, a very sensitive loving man, human being, the innocent child, the loving and compassionate father. Your voice is a beautiful expression of that!
    I love your music, it has healed me and helped me see parts of me that I did deny. I believe now is the time to go forward and see what your life and musical soul has to offer in a more constructive and supportive way for you and for all of us.

    Also at this point we have to admit with all honesty how much energy sucking and feeding is going on in the whole IAMX-Universe, despite of all the love that is shared, but with so many beings vibrating on this kind of energy, it was obvious that the collapse was due to come at some point. It was a wake-up call for many I hope to redefine and see that all we have been looking for so desperately can only be found inside of us.

    With the greatest love and compassion, thank you for your honesty Chris!

  137. Linnéa Says:

    Chris, I love you with all my heart, you are a true artist and a beautiful human being. Thank you for sharing your story. Your words affect me deeply.
    Love and strength,

  138. Kat Says:

    Never ever fucking forget to stay strong.

  139. Mister Says:

    IAMX youre really great !! I meet you in backstage last year during les Ardentes in Belgium ! Good memory ! I make a video of you and the festival :
    Enjoy :)

    Thanks :)

  140. Remy Lincoln Says:

    I noticed something happening during the making of your latest album. As I was making acquaintance of your music and comparing your earlier works to The Unified Field I was wondering where those emotional ups and downs were coming from while the whole thing as well as each and every song were a flawless masterpiece. I think I got it right with the line so strange when your tired eyes wont shut your brain down. Im sorry for what youve been through and I hope youll overcome it with new insights into your creativity. If X is a flexible and fickle thing it can be anything you want.
    Wish I could express my support

  141. ixamxandro Says:

    Thank you for sharing. It is nice to not feel so alone in the darkness that takes hold at times.. Yes, it may return, but we can deal (somewhat) differently. Love you, dear friend. xxx

  142. Dawn Says:

    On Wednesday or thereabouts, I shall have words aimed at soothing your mind. Perhaps contentment to your soul.

  143. Marina Says:

    Hello Chris, I just wanted to tell you the words of support. You are amazing talented person and I hope that everything will be all right with you, with your state of soul, with your health. Hold on!

  144. Victoria Says:

    I remember ordering my first Sneaker Pimps CD online from the UK (because it wasnt easy to get in the US) and instantly falling in love with your lyrics. To this day songs from that LP are on my playlist.

    Thank you for every part of yourself you have given for us (your fans). Many of us are comforted, disturbed, motivated and inspired by your poetry. I count myself one of the lucky ones that has found comfort in what youve sacrificed so much to give. Your inspiration has been a light in dark times for me and to this day the last decade + of your songs are prominent on my playlist. As I grow older one of the things that has not changed has been my appreciation of your dedication to your music.

    I never knew how you survived and have often wondered how you did but Im so glad you have. Much love and support from my little corner of the US.


  145. Dan Says:

    Chris, I have loved your music since your Sneaker Pimps days. I appreciate you as an artists/musician. You have given so much to all of us. It is time to give to yourself.

    I understand issues with sleep. I have dealt with sleeping problems since I was little. Sleeping as always been a chore and it never felt quite natural. I would lay down and my brain would go into high gear. I rarely sleep more than 3 hours a night. This usually goes on for weeks, then the body will shutdown and I will sleep 7 or so hours. Then it starts up again. I understand your battles with anxiety and insomnia. I hope you make a full recovery and find a balance that will keep you healthy.

  146. patt Says:

    still having on.mind the first time i was listrning a song from you..
    Was my secret friend.
    Still having on.mind too the concert in Barcelona sala Salamandrarhe only one i have beeing from you
    I miss youmiss your voice your cuteness on stage..
    Mr CC.. your songs make me feel aliveand take my breath away to see you on stage.
    I really need to see you back soon.
    Waiting for you and next tour.
    Lots of love <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
    Bisous et reviens vite.
    i am your X.

  147. Rich D Says:

    Lyrics to Trials Every morning I feel it
    Kicking inside me
    Telling me Im not good at all

    Though I hear the voices
    I recognise them
    They are the demons in us all

    I wake up hot, I wake up cold
    But my trials are my friends
    Every little flaw digging in my soul
    But my trials are my friends

    I can only win in the end
    My trials are my friends

    I wake up hot, I wake up cold
    But my trials are my friends
    Every little flaw digging in my soul
    But my trials are my friends

    I can only win in the end
    My trials are my friends
    My trials are my friends

  148. NxA Says:

    Ive been too shy to comment But I just wanted to say thank you. Your words have helped me more than I can ever say.

    Wishing you endless strength and peace,

  149. Stephanie Shaffer Says:

    We are all insanely lucky you ate pulling through this and have such a beautiful artistic expression. Your words have not only inspired me since the moment I first heard your music, but they have also given me that motivation to push myself out of my self -created cave of dark thoughts and depression. Sometimes it gets so hard to admit to yourself you need change and help, but Im so thankful youve had that strength. Youre more important than you ever may know :)

  150. Alexandra Says:

    I was worrying about you so much, and Im happy now to read that youre getting better. It is so inspiring and sincere, thank you for your words. Hold on, our support is with you.

  151. FaitHealer Says:

    You are such an inspiration, Chris. You are not ashamed or embarrassed to share your life experience with your admirers. Not hiding behind the hypocrite mask that other artists wear all the time. It takes a lot of courage to tell things so personal in public, you should be proud of yourself. Your admirers appreciate the honesty and the permission to be led into your beautiful, vulnerable world. Dont give up, keep going strong and making your victims look good in pleasure!

  152. Nat Says:

    Dear Chris
    Reading this has literally left me in tears. Thank you for sharing and giving me and others an insight into the fight and struggles you are going through. I wish you well! You are one very special man, never forget it

  153. Maja Says:

    Thank you so much. This is a beautiful and very clever post. Youre an inspiration Chris. Youre my life. Im crying.

  154. I Says:


    The clamor ceased. I walked onto the stage.
    While leaning on a jamb, through cheers,
    Im grasping in the echos distant range
    What will occur during my years.
    The twilight of the night has gathered
    Like thousands of binoculars on me.
    If so youre willing, Father,
    I beg you, take this cup from me.
    I love your idea of ​​a stubborn
    And I agree to play this role.
    But as of now, theres another drama.
    This time, expel me, I implore.
    But, the predestined plot proceeds.
    I cannot alter the direction of my path.
    I am alone, all sinks in phariseeism.
    To live a lifeis not an easy task.

    this poem by Boris Pasternak. one of my favorites. in Russian it is perceived a little differently. it reminds me of you. I do not know why. may be because you are a poet. many creators have gone through hell. perhaps because of their cultural heritage so great. and your legacy is large. pain helped you create. youre a real poet of his time. sophisticated, beautiful. thank you for what you are fighting. and never surrender. unconditionally loving you.
    ( I would have written better but do not know much English . sorry for my ignorance.)

  155. Lera Aveo Says:

    Dear Chris,

    I was so suprised that you do really read all the words of support and love. And you really deserve every word and every expression of love.
    Chris, I hope, that you will find your way not to go mad and be happy. Even if it wont be connected with music let it be, because you have laready showed us and presented us with you beautiful soul, and the confirmation to it is the existence of 5 beautiful albums.

    Having read your blog, I remind myself of one song by Russian band Fleur. Its called Кто-то (in English Someone). I wish Janine could somehow read and translate it to you so I will leave the original lyrics

    *прочитала блог, и вспомнила песню Fleur Кто-то. Точно про Криса.

    Кто-то мчался, падая с ног,
    Плыл против течения, ехал на красный
    Просто чтобы сказать, что всё будет
    Хорошо, что всё не напрасно.
    Но ошибся дорогой, и не рассчитал
    Траекторий полета.
    И мне снова приходится быть для тебя этим кто-то.

    And this is my very free translation

    Someone was running and dead on his feet
    Swim against the tide, act against the rules.
    Only to say that eveything will be
    Allright, that everythings worth it.
    But he took a wrong road and didnt make out his flight line
    And the thing that I do for you is being this particular someone.

    Dear Chris, I hope with all my heart that you have this someone near you at the moment.

  156. iman Says:

    please come back soon we want tour to see you please

  157. Rozzy Says:

    May 8th, St. Petersburg, Russia

    It is very difficult to turn my thoughts into the words when I am reading this. I feel the ghosts of my past are touching my face and hands, sliding through myself. They are so cold.
    There were two long periods in my life when I was sitting in the deep dark hole with no way out. Suffering. Crying almost every time when noone can see me. Full of compassion to myself. I did not want to live actually. Absolutely hopelessness. The idea of suicide was spinning in my mind and I thought how to do it more painlessly. The only reason stopped me was the knowing that my family will miss me.
    It is a part of my past now. Still vulnerable but I wouldnt be who I am without this part. I learnt to rejoice every ray of sunshine and a smell of the rain.
    I know it is so hard to go out of this hole and so easy to slide down again.

    Thank you for your honesty. It requires a lot of courage. I am so proud of you, I always believe in you and I know that you will get over. You are amazing. Your music have the constant place in my heart. It gives me hope.

    All my love and support,

  158. Tara Says:

    I wish I could personally write to you. Reading this was very interesting for me personally. In summer 2012 (a year before you (Chris) went through this experience) I had reached an all time intense falling down. One just like how you have described yours. I had this insomnia/depression/anxiety grow worse and worse up till the point that I had left my country. I went to England to visit my mother and step-dad and to get away, that summer. They live in East Sussex and that is where I stayed/where I mostly recovered. I too went to Camber Sands and what is really interesting to me, is that I listened only to your music both times on my ipod-shuffle while walking along the beach for hours. It was honestly amazing and healing for me at that time. That is why I love your music in an even more significant way since. I hope you see this. I am so curious as to how the exact same thing happened to you, and how yours was the only music I listened to on that beach. It is amazing. Since then I am still recovering each day, and have changed a lot. Though I still think back to my trip to England many times and plan to go back. If you stumble on this: I hope you are having better days, and good luck my friend. Ive never met you in person, but I feel you were somehow there (through your music) in a bad bad part of my life, thank you.

  159. Lisa Beymer Says:


    I am so happy that you chose to share the past year with your fans. That was a brave thing to do. I fully support anything you do, and the fans will always be here for you. Your words really sound familiar. I have struggled with chronic depression and anxiety my entire life. I used to have insomnia when I was an adolescent and still get bouts of insomnia periodically. But the overthinking and depression does not help at all. I was abused by an ex boyfriend and my father, and have been suffering since. Your words really make me feel not alone with how I feel. I hope your life is everything youve dreamed of and I wish you happiness in everything you do. No matter what you do, I will always support you. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. You are not alone. We are all here rooting for you.

    With love,
    Lisa Beymer.

  160. Jacque Says:

    So glad youre recovering. Thanks for sharing. Continue to fight the good fightor bad fightwhatever you want to call it. Believe it or not, last year completely sucked for me. I had lost my job as a choral music teacher. Budget cuts. I was miserable when I found out and cried my eyes out when I got home. However, I remembered that The Unified Field was coming out. I needed something to look forward to so I decided to purchase the hard copy of the cd. Im a huge cd collector and a huge music lover. I figured this would somewhat cheer me up. I remember the first time I heard Trials. It made me have hope that there is going to be bad shit in life, but it only makes you stronger. And it can only get better from here. IAMX saved my life last year. It saved me from going into a deep depression and going back to old habits of mine (which is self mutilation). It encouraged me to keep going through the flames. So if its any comfort, you saved my life. Thank you so much!!! Keep reaching out to the people who love you and well stand by you! Keep healing and do what is right for you.

  161. Sigi Says:

    Thank you so much for writing all of this out. You are a huge inspiration to me to get through things. Often when Im feeling especially low I listen to Quiet the Mind and take its lyrics to heart and it makes things not so bad. I read this from you at a very specific time in my life and it has helped me get by recently. Im so glad youre recovering, and again thank you so much.

  162. Zaine Says:

    Beautiful and honest words from a beautiful and honest person. It seems that everything you wrote found a special place in each of your fans. It is truly amazing to be able to write in a universal language such as yours.
    A friend of mine introduced to your music a couple months ago (sorry about that) and your albums are all im listening to with a neverending loop. Please come to Istanbul as soon as you can.

    Hope to see you soon , beautiful person.

  163. Katy Says:

    You are not alone)
    From Russia with Love

  164. Nikita Says:

    I just want you to know, that with your previous albums youve opened doors to many hearts on this planet. Your own doors. You can help with your magic music and songs to too many people. You just dont have rights to stop IAMX. We need you and your albums. You live = we live. So just be healthy, we can wait =).

    From Russia with love =).

  165. Anna Says:

    Dear Chris,

    for several days Ive had this entry run through my head together along with some of these moving comments, and while Im so happy to hear that youre on your way to the better, the stories written here experiences and struggles made me stop in my tracks to reflect on myself.
    I love life. I try to appreciate every moment given to me, and hearing from one of my biggest inspiration how valuable that gift is for him means so so so much to me. Your words give me the worlds strength, and I dearly hope this closure allows you some sort of peace, as well. A lasting one you fucking deserve.
    Love being alive, love to love.

    Please stay on your path, and let the future be yours!

    Lots of love,

  166. S. Says:

    Chris, thank you for just being. I know I can never thank you enough but I can send you a tiny bit of positivity. Please, dont be hard on yourself and just do whatever feels good for your soul from now on. The universe is such a strange place and it amazes me how beautifully everything is interconnected in the Unified Field. Also the universe is full of infinite love and you know it. Youve gone through an immense amount of suffering and it hurt like hell just to read your post, I was in tears, I wont deny it. But you are still alive and thats what really matters. You are such an extraordinary human being and youre perfect the way you are, I just want to celebrate your spirituality. Your music touches my soul unlike any other, you create something true and eternal. You can be happy, dont ever forget that.

  167. Jessy Says:

    Thank you so much for this personal, true blog entry. It moved me to tears, especially the part about depression, because I am going through the same thing and it resonated with me on a profound level. I dont know yet if and how I can put that into action, but what you wrote is so true (your thoughts are not you.). And we are strong even though depression makes you feel like the weakest person there is. It takes courage, strength and hope to live with depression and all those conditions every day, to not back out even though it seems like there is nothing left to believe in.
    You are a wonderful human being. Just as the rest of you (people who may read this, people who have shared their experiences). Love to everyone!~
    My trials are my friends

    Looking forward to seeing you sometime on stage again, if you feel up to it. :)

  168. Valeria Says:

    Dear Chris,
    Thank you so much for everything. Youre a hero for me. Your words, your music inspires me. Ill be with you always. Take care.
    Love, Valeria.

  169. Lidia Says:

    I am very glad that I was not alone. Thank you, Chris. Thank you for sharing.
    You make me feel better, because life its a strange thing, and unfortunately, in my case it is very bad. I cried when I read this blog. Tears for me it is one of the manifestations that you are alive. You make me live. I hope that I too shall cease to hurt someday. You give hope and makes me feel really biological miracle.
    Thank you.

    Lots of love, Lidia.

  170. Dawn Says:


  171. Dawn Says:

    یش از حد واقعی کلمات خود را
    آنها مرا به یک میلیون برش را به قطعات
    هدف خود را من فرض من در بذله گویی می گویند
    دست من با دقت متوسط

    سیاه سیاه و سفید است
    من می خواهم معشوق من
    محل انجام & بودن & دیدن
    رویای من این است که سوال

    که من متوقف کردن چوب خط حساب & می
    و پوزخند با لذت
    و فضل در بزرگسالی

    پدر و مادر خود خانم هند & توله سگ
    آنها را به آن دیدم شما تا به حال امکان انتخاب

    مبارزه، استراحت و خواب, و بقیه
    آیا شما
    آن را بر شما تماس

    در حال حاضر پخش اینجا جایی که شما را
    هنوز به سفر
    نقشه شاید
    یکی واقعی شما

    شما آمار خالی
    بدیهی است که احتمال در پوسته پوسته شدن مد بزرگ خاموش است
    انجام بسیاری از, برخی نیست

    برای کسانی از ما که به نمی تعظیم
    موفق باشید

    تصمیم، عزم و اراده عمیق لازم
    و روش
    بعد از آن بسیاری از این روز شناخته شده

    زمانی که ما گوش شما را به عنوان واقعی
    دو بار شما فقط ناله

    تنها جایی
    قلب من صلح می داند

    در اینجا این است که چگونه از آن می رود:
    آیا زندگی خود را و آن را به شما مصرف
    OW [درد] شما از تماس دوباره
    یدکی ما سر عزیز لطفا

    شما فکر می کنید هر و هر یک از ما
    نمی تواند توسط روح چوب خط حساب کردن

    نمی توان نگاه کردن در جهان
    و ببینید که چگونه خراب کردن آن است

    برخی از غم و اندوه به علاوه موارد بیشتر غم اضافه شده
    هنوز هم به دام افتادند غم
    انجام محاسبات ریاضی

    چه بخشی از هیچ آیا شما می کنید
    ه یا ی و یا چ؟
    بخشی که قلب من می شکند
    به یک میلیون قطعه و سپس برخی از

    اما غیر روحانی کردن و مردن من می توانم
    این امر می تواند بی احترامی به من

    برای انجام شده است به گریه
    برای انجام این کار نمی باشد برای مردن
    به عشق است برای زنده ماندن است
    اما او گفت نه و به معنای آن

    در برخی از نقطه پست از درجه اعتبار ساقط
    شما هم متوقف و تصمیم به گرفتن
    در لباس مبدل
    دفاع به واقعیت زمخت زندگی
    بیش از حد برای داخل شما دیگر هیچ

    و یا، منحصر به فرد و یا، من این معنا

    شما ببینید که روز گذشته دیگر جا درست
    و یا
    شما بنشینید و مرگ
    شما را به برخی از استفاده از خود را

    آن است که برای سوزاندن این سفر من از صحبت
    آن است که رفتن به صدمه زدن به
    بله شما مصرف میکنند

    خواسته های تخیل خود را به
    در این زمان فضای نمایش داده شود
    یا شما افتخار این حقیقت با قانون
    و یا آن را شما به معنای واقعی کلمه گرد و غبار را سوزاند

    خطرات چنین به خوبی آموزش دیده
    ذهن & کور عمیقا برگزار شد
    محکومیت اینجا

    زیبایی به خاطر بیان
    بخشی از دیروز شما
    خوب آموزش ابزار تجارت خود را

    زیبایی با یک هدف بزرگتر شدنی می دانید?

    به سرور خودتان تنها
    شما را بیدار خواهد شد
    و ببینید
    چنین شدنی & خالی

    به دیگران خدمت می کنند به تنهایی
    یک دروغ

    شما باید روش خود را
    صفحه نمایش
    شما خودتان را با بر داشت و بیدار

    دیگر چگونه شما با زندگی می کنند؟
    خود را در صلح
    تجلیل آن است که?

    allzu real deine Worte
    Sie mich zurück in 1 Million Stücke geschnitten
    Ihr Ziel, was, das ich vermute, dass ich facetiously sagen
    gut erreicht meine ich genau

    schwarz ist schwarz
    Ich will meine Liebe zurück
    Der Ort tun & wird & sehen
    stellt keine Fragen
    Mein Traum, der keine Fragen

    dass ich aufhören kann, & tally
    und Grinsen vor Freude
    und Gnade im Erwachsenenalter

    Deine Eltern, Frau Indien & Pup
    Sie sahen es, du hast die Möglichkeit der Wahl

    Ruhe und schlief, kämpfte, und der ganze Rest
    Du hast

    Jetzt ist hier Wache, wo Sie haben
    noch zu reisen
    der Karte vielleicht
    man dir treu

    Sie schlagen die leere
    offensichtlich ist die Wahrscheinlichkeit zu groß Abblättern
    viele tun, andere nicht

    für diejenigen von uns, nicht beugen zu tun
    Viel Glück

    Lösen Sie auf, tief lösen Sie notwendig auf
    & Techniken
    Das später nicht viele bekannte heutzutage

    Wenn wir Sie, als wahr hören
    zweimal sind Sie nur jammern.

    der einzige Ort
    Mein Herz kennt Frieden

    Hier ist, wie es geht:
    machen Sie Ihr Leben & es wird Sie konsumieren
    ow [Schmerzen] Sie rufen noch einmal
    ersparen Sie uns sehr geehrter Herr bitte

    Sie Halten Jedes & Jedes Einzelnen von Uns?
    Kann Nicht von Herzen.

    kann nicht die Welt betrachten
    und sehen, wie verwirrt, es ist

    einige Trauer sowie weitere Trauer hinzugefügt
    noch Netze Trauer

    welchen Teil von Nein hast du nicht bekommen
    Das n oder e oder i oder n?
    der Teil, das mein Herz bricht
    in 1 Million Stücke und dann einige

    aber lay Down & ich nicht kann sterben
    Es wäre eine Schande für mich

    zu tun ist, zu weinen
    um nicht zu tun ist, zu sterben
    lieben heißt Leben
    aber er sagte Nein & bedeutete es

    irgendwann post void
    Sie entweder aufhören und möchten
    auf eine Verkleidung
    eine Verteidigung, die krasse Realität des Lebens
    zu viel für Ihr Innenleben nicht mehr

    oder, exklusiv oder, wie ich meinen

    Sie sehen die gestrigen passt nicht mehr wahr
    und entweder
    Sie setzen & sterben
    Sie nutzen einige selbst

    Es will diese Reise zu verbrennen, was ich spreche
    Es wird weh tun
    Ja werden Sie verbraucht

    Ihre Phantasie möchte
    in diesem Raum-Zeit angezeigt werden
    entweder Ehren Sie diese Tatsache mit act
    oder es wird brennen Sie buchstäblich zu Staub

    solche Gefahren durch gut ausgebildete
    Geist & Blind gehalten tief
    Verurteilung von hier

    Beauty für ausdrücklichen Willen
    die gesicherte Teil Sie
    lernen gut Ihre Werkzeuge

    ist Schönheit mit einem größeren Zweck machbar, weißt du?

    Server selbst ausschließlich
    Sie werden wach
    und sehen
    solche machbar & leer

    anderen allein dienen
    eine Lüge

    Sie haben Ihre Methode der
    Sie wachte auf und fand sich mit

    wie sonst lebst du mit
    sich selbst in Frieden
    Es sei denn,
    Ehren, dass die ist?

    too real your words
    they cut me back into a million pieces
    your goal I presume I say facetiously
    well achieved I mean accurately

    black is black
    I want my lover back
    the place the doing & being & seeing
    does not ask questions
    my dream that does not ask questions

    that I can stop & tally
    and grin with delight
    and grace in adulthood

    your Parents, Ms. India & a Pup
    they saw to it you had the possibility of choice

    fought, rest and slept, and all the rest
    you did
    bring it on you call

    now watch here is where you have
    yet to travel
    a map perhaps
    one true to you

    you hit the void
    obviously the likelihood is to grandly flake off
    many do, some do not

    for those of us who do not bow out
    “good luck”

    resolve, deep resolve necessary
    & techniques
    the later not many known these days

    once we hear you as true
    twice you are just whining

    the only place
    my heart knows peace

    here is how it goes:
    do your life & it will consume you
    “ow [in pain]” you call out yet again
    spare us dear sir please

    do you think each & every one of us
    can not tally by soul

    can not look out at the world
    and see how messed up it is

    some sorrow plus more sorrow added
    still nets sorrow
    do the math

    black is black

    what part of no did not you get
    the “n” or the “o”?
    the part that breaks my heart
    into a million pieces and then some

    but lay down & die I can not
    it would be a dishonor to me

    to do is to cry
    to not do is to die
    to love is to be alive
    but he said no & meant it

    at some point post void
    you either stop and decide to take
    on a disguise
    a defense to the crass reality of life
    too much for your insides any longer

    or, exclusive or, I do mean

    you see yesterdays no longer fit true
    and either
    you sit down & die
    you make some use of yourself

    it is going to burn this journey I speak of
    it is going to hurt
    yes you will be consumed

    all this linguistics aside
    it is like so:

    your imagination wishes to
    be displayed in this space time
    either you honor this fact with act
    or it will burn you to dust literally

    such hazards of the well trained
    mind & blind deeply held
    conviction of here

    beauty for express sake
    part of the yesterday you
    learning well the tools of your trade

    beauty with a grander purpose is doable you know?

    to server yourself solely
    you will awake
    and see
    such doable & empty

    to serve others alone
    a lie

    you have your method of
    you have awoke and found yourself with

    how else do you live with
    yourself in peace
    except by
    honoring that which is?

    حقيقية جداً كلماتك
    قطعوا لي مرة أخرى إلى 1 مليون قطعة
    هدفك افترض أقول التفكه
    كذلك حقق يعني دقة

    أسود أسود
    أريد بلدي الحبيب مرة أخرى
    مكان القيام آند يجري آند رؤية
    لا تسأل أسئلة
    حلمي أن عدم طرح الأسئلة

    أستطيع أن توقف رصيده و
    وابتسامة مع فرحة
    ونعمة في مرحلة البلوغ

    والديك، والسيدة الهند والجرو
    رأوا أن ذلك كان لديك إمكانية الاختيار

    قاتلوا، والراحة وينام، وبقية العالم
    جعله على استدعاء

    الآن مشاهدة هنا حيث لديك
    بعد السفر
    خريطة ربما
    واحد صحيح لك

    كنت أصاب الفراغ
    من الواضح أن احتمال أن تقشر قبالة بشكل رائع
    العديد من القيام به، والبعض لا

    بالنسبة لأولئك منا الذين لا يخرج
    حظا سعيدا

    حل، عزم العميقة اللازمة
    في وقت لاحق لا يعرف كثير من هذه الأيام

    بمجرد أن تسمع صحيح لأن
    مرتين كنت مجرد الأنين

    المكان الوحيد
    قلبي يعرف السلام

    هنا هو كيف ستسير الامور:
    قيام حياتك وأنها سوف تستهلك لك
    آه [من الألم] كنت ينادي مرة أخرى
    يجنبنا سيدي العزيز الرجاء

    هل تعتقد أن كل وكل واحد منا
    لا يمكن حصر عن ظهر قلب

    لا يمكن أن ننظر بها إلى العالم
    ونرى كيف افسدت هو

    بعض الحزن بالإضافة إلى أكثر من الحزن وأضاف
    لا تزال شباك الحزن
    تفعل الرياضيات

    أي جزء من أي لم تحصل
    في لا؟
    الجزء الذي يحطم قلبي
    الى مليون قطعة وبعد ذلك بعض

    لكن القاء ويموت لا أستطيع
    سيكون من العار بالنسبة لي

    القيام به هو البكاء
    لعدم القيام به هو أن يموت
    أن تحب هو أن تكون على قيد الحياة
    لكنه قال لا ويعني ذلك

    في بعض آخر نقطة الفراغ
    عليك إما التوقف وتقرر أن تأخذ
    على تمويه
    دفاعا عن واقع الحياة فجه
    الكثير من أجل الدواخل الخاص بك في أي لفترة أطول

    أو، أو حصرية، وأنا لا يعني

    ترى الأمس لم تعد تناسب صحيح
    تجلس ويموت
    قمت بإجراء بعض استخدام نفسك

    هو ذاهب لحرق هذه الرحلة وأنا أتكلم من
    أنه سيؤذي
    نعم كنت سوف يستهلك

    يرغب خيالك ل
    يمكن عرضها في هذا الزمان والمكان
    إما أن تكريم هذه الحقيقة مع الفعل
    أو أنها سوف يحرق لك لنفض الغبار حرفيا

    مثل هذه المخاطر من المدربين تدريبا جيدا
    العقل والأعمى الراسخة
    إدانة هنا

    الجمال من أجل التعبير عن
    جزء من أمس لك
    تعلم جيدا أدوات التجارة الخاص

    الجمال مع غرض أعظم غير قابلة للتنفيذ هل تعلم؟

    إلى خادم نفسك فقط
    سوف يستيقظ
    هذه قابلة للتنفيذ وفارغة

    لخدمة الآخرين وحدها

    لديك الأسلوب الخاص لل
    كنت قد استيقظت وجدت نفسك مع

    وإلا كيف كنت تعيش مع
    نفسك في السلام
    تكريم ما هو؟

  172. K. Says:

    As a sensitive and deep feeling person that you appear to be, I cant even begin to imagine how challenging this experience must have been for you. But youve found salvation in your ability to see good and find love in everything around you. This a rare and extraordinary talent. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Youll rise again stronger than ever. <3

  173. Michele Says:

    You are so beautiful. Its awesome to know you a little more. I love to know more about where you came from. I have struggled with many terrible things in my life, but I am in a happy place now. I have never been one to become fanatical about anyone. BUT I just really think you are phenomenal. I really do hope you love what you do. and above all ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF> I am sad that you are having health problems. i am not accusing because i know you said drugs were a part of your past i sure hope you are not still partaking in that they will destroy your heart. You are a beautiful soul. i have always loved music, but I can honestly say none has touched me the way yours does. You are a shining star in the darkness. Shine on :)

  174. Ellie Z Says:

    Hey Chris,

    Keep sharing yourself. We accept and love you for who you are. I hope you feel us, fans, near you whenever you need support. Were always there, whether hours or minutes away.

  175. Daria Says:

    I have a little story for you, Chris. I hope you will read this.
    I listen IAMX since beginning. I always admired you as an artist and as a person. I followed yours and IAMXs work like typical fan. Your music was a part of my life. But few months ago I completely stopped thinking of IAMX. I resigned from other things too. I was focused only on my work, work and work.
    Of course, it wasnt good for me and now Im recovering. And Im coming back to things which I left few months ago. To IAMX too.
    I waited 16 days to read your blog. Why? Because I was afraid that I will find the truth about myself in your words. And you know what? I wasnt wrong. But reading this was like a cure for me. Thank you so much for that.
    I decided to write about this to show you that you are not alone in your struggles. And to remind you that you, your song and your music are extremely helpful for others.
    Thank you again. See you on 31 May. Stay strong.

  176. Azeneth Says:

    Dear chris, really saddens me that you have health problems, because I feel that someone very close to me have them, I really feel like I know you because I feel very identified with your words.
    I have spent many bad moments, but hearing your music revives me and makes me think Im not alone, just by reading your words is exactly the same, I realize Im not alone.
    As I said I am sad that youre not ok, and I wish you recover because you are a great man, youre a beautiful person who has the ability to make others feel better.
    I hope that when you read our comments feel a bit of what you make us feel
    you are magical and deserve a bit of everything youve given us.
    I want you to continue your music, if you want :)
    I really wish you read this.
    You are so so so beautiful!!!
    Hope to see you with a lot of spirit on May 31,
    with love from Mexico, Azeneth.

  177. M Says:

    I identify with your words, your art and the truth behind it so much that its heightening. IAMX has affected me more than any other band- its hard to explain, its something unique, like listening to something and knowing that this is it, this is me and I will never have the words to fully express this bliss of knowing that I’m not alone. To me it seems like your struggle is the struggle of our entire civilization right now, walking the line between insanity and awakening, and seeing the beauty in it despite the terrible trials that we have to go through is the privilege of those who can transcend their illness. Im proud of you for that and I trust that youll be alright, even if that means the end of IAMX. If it wont, though,- and I hope it wont- it will probably be the most beautiful thing ever. So many of us can relate to what youre going through right now, I imagine victory reflected in your art would be an immense inspiration. The way you’ve evolved with The Unified Field was already a lovely surprise. I think we let disorder into our lives because we shut ourselves off from our infinite potential, and even though the distractions we use make for a compelling show- it’s more interesting when things are volatile, you said-, they don’t lead to the core of things. They just make us suffer. I hope what you’re going through is a purification process and that you will get out of it victorious. You’ve already changed your perspective on the world in a lovely way, I think. I don’t know if it’s my place to give advice, but in my struggle I don’t put much trust in medication. The modern approach is treating the symptoms, healing the surface, but if the cause of the problem is not addressed it will not vanish. I use alternative medicine. If nothing, at least it’s natural and it doesn’t poison your mind even further.

    Thank you for this amazing, inspiring post. I trust you’ll be okay. <3

  178. chellerebel Says:

    because he comes with knives and his trials are his friends. How perfect.. to slay the dragons of the past, the night, the overwhelming day.

    Dear Chris, your bare truths have made me feel less like an imbecile in my lithium, Seroquel, trazodone, xanax, and methadone induced hell three to four years ago when I weaned myself off. I gave it up and committed to sleep hygiene.. LOL , whomever called this shit hygiene was the imbecile. Your music has inspired many, like myself, to push through boundaries. To claim a home that was the opposite, a home inhabitable to many who could not, would not, did not know how to sacrifice. Chris, among other gifts, I believe this is your precious gift; coaxing people out of themselves to be themselves. I am happy that I died 4 times, that I beat the odds against my past to met my future. This is the sentiment that I take from your blog post. YOU INSPIRE TO DO AND TO BE WHAT IS INIMAGINABLE- AS YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED YOURSELF AND WILL CONTINUE TO.

  179. STACEYIAMX Says:

    Youre beautifully gifted in the fact of exploring yourself. Your exterior self.
    Your mind doesnt always work like everyone elses , making it harder to adapt to the sheep like economy and fast moving city life.
    It takes a calm moment , a mad chaotic moment , A moment of desperation and emptiness to change who you are for that split second!
    But you always find yourself afterwards questioning who you are. Why? And how to nurture the overwhelming beauty , pain and suffering.
    See it like this, those feelings are all free.
    If you indulge too much in them surely something bad would come from them?. Too much of a free thing.
    Pain and suffering are often just slumped down by poets and writers next to each other like a perfect couple but its not until youve faced those emotions you really start to understand the depth and the dangerous tornado pain and suffering beholds Just dont get swept away.
    We cant create and shape the world or with our own hands.
    Its starts within mentally.

    I believe that any mind power is a imagination is a gift. Just like how your mind is working now has ability to effect your whole life. Our thoughts are sometimes dangerous.
    And you are not alone.
    Although you may be alone with your thoughts, I assure you eternally you arent! And the world doesnt make sense! We are all suffering. With no explanation how any of us got here and how the world evolved. Thats suffering in itself isnt it? Torture even?
    Strip down to your inner self! Tear off all th ego ,anger,frustration,desire,hurt,joy,fear , sex .. And youre left with love.
    Yeah, that word. Many people adore you!
    And its this you need to see .
    Not the bad.
    The trees, breathing. Everything around you is a gift. So appreciate that.
    And no you mustnt always run the race on your own.
    You carry yourself physically.
    Mentally and emotionally you arent alone!
    Let someone else be your guidance and help you find yourself again!
    Family and friends. Good people!

    Stacey! Xxx

  180. Charlotte Says:

    Despite my poor english, I read this and commented (with Google translation and web English dictionaries).

    Thank you for be willing to share your mental process.

    I dont know what I can do for your condition.
    I do nothing for you but you always give me more than more.
    This archive especially inspires me over my anticipation.
    Maybe I have a bit sleep problem that I dont know or just my personal jetlag, however something confuses and disturbs me.
    Maybe I know what something is, that I want to escape
    So, I am very touching to leave a reply as my thanks.
    I know what I can do for myself from your archive!

    You can put it down, dont fear and worry.
    You have lovely family, friends and STRONGER YOU with you.
    You turn your pain into the inspiring treasure to us.
    Dont need to know what you are, just do what you can do for yourself, make you alive and more comfort.
    Then, you will get what you are one day, before that day your healthy is important.
    Just take care!

    Thank you for arranging an online LIVE as the first LIVE after your healing as my first time sync with the LIVE!!!
    Thank you read my first reply for you. :)
    Wishing I can go to concert one day!

    PS. Do you know Taiwan?


  181. Kamala Says:

    Your intimate sharing has touched me deeply.
    In my own life,when dark moods descend,or my inner processing leaves me faltering,I turn to the creative process to give voice to my personal ordeals .During those tumultuous times,the songs or lyrics that I breathe into life may not be easy to listen toand certainly can be painful to emoteyet,in a way,its what works best,as it helps release me from apathy.

    Your music has accompanied me on many of these inner journeys,from tears to transcendence.
    I love what you create, and I admire your heartfelt honesty.
    Thank you,sincerely,for being who you are.
    With love,
    ~ Kamala

    P.S. I also return to a cherished book that never fails to warm my heart.Perhaps it may have a similar effect for you. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

    Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories from Nature, about the primeval forest. It was a picture of a boa constrictor in the act of swallowing an animal. Here is a copy of the drawing.

    In the book it said: Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole, without chewing it. After that they are not able to move, and they sleep through the six months that they need for digestion.

    I pondered deeply, then, over the adventures of the jungle. And after some work with a colored pencil I succeeded in making my first drawing. My Drawing Number One. It looked something like this:

    I showed my masterpiece to the grown-ups, and asked them whether the drawing frightened them.

    But they answered: Frighten? Why should any one be frightened by a hat?

    My drawing was not a picture of a hat. It was a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant. But since the grown-ups were not able to understand it, I made another drawing: I drew the inside of a boa constrictor, so that the grown-ups could see it clearly. They always need to have things explained. My Drawing Number Two looked like this:

    The grown-ups response, this time, was to advise me to lay aside my drawings of boa constrictors, whether from the inside or the outside, and devote myself instead to geography, history, arithmetic, and grammar. That is why, at the age of six, I gave up what might have been a magnificent career as a painter. I had been disheartened by the failure of my Drawing Number One and my Drawing Number Two. Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

    So then I chose another profession, and learned to pilot airplanes. I have flown a little over all parts of the world; and it is true that geography has been very useful to me. At a glance I can distinguish China from Arizona. If one gets lost in the night, such knowledge is valuable.

    In the course of this life I have had a great many encounters with a great many people who have been concerned with matters of consequence. I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasnt much improved my opinion of them.

    Whenever I met one of them who seemed to me at all clear-sighted, I tried the experiment of showing him my Drawing Number One, which I have always kept. I would try to find out, so, if this was a person of true understanding. But, whoever it was, he, or she, would always say:

    That is a hat.

    Then I would never talk to that person about boa constrictors, or primeval forests, or stars. I would bring myself down to his level. I would talk to him about bridge, and golf, and politics, and neckties. And the grown-up would be greatly pleased to have met such a sensible man.

  182. Helen Hanson Says:

    Its refreshing to see such honesty . Im sorry youve been going through such a difficult time. Its wonderful that you have the back up of your wonderful family.
    I stumbled upon your work via my own Daughter . Its been amazing going through your current work, hence posting this at 02.45.

    I hope you continue to find your way through and forward . Your very inspiring.

  183. Pantsofdeath Says:

    Funny how I feel this foolish solidarity for anyone suffering anxiety and depression, the meds hold it all at bay and I live in fear of a return. I hope you are getting through your darkness. Your music has been a huge part of my life since the beginning. Sending internet hugs and beers. Jon

  184. Adam C. Says:

    Its all cool man, Ive been there in my own way as do many who think too much on themselves.
    I blame your last album a bit in leading me down the hole (very cool work BTW). I was out of it for a good six months, what a mess my mind has been through.
    Theres that feeling when you know the world is actually gorgeous, but for some reason when you look directly at it you dont feel a thing. Even when youre out, it waits, kicking inside, then fading over you before you even realise.
    I know youre perfectly alright, you know youre a bad ass.

    Regret everything you consider a mistake, move on, with or from it. And dont ever try to feel. Think think think. Talk talk talk. And if you cant talkseriously just a little THC, not too much yes?
    Music and ridiculous bable poetry is how we sometimes prefer to communicate.
    And (dont) forget to lie, as we all should, with great honesty and respect for yourself.
    Amidst trying to better our standing we often abandon our hatred and anger. We should glance over some of the things which caused us much discomfort. Remembe justr why and try to reason how it really affects you. (With some scientific sensibility and a modicum of emotional detachment)
    Feelings are an extension of our understanding not the centre.
    You kinda knocked me into the ether with Unified Field. Icannot totally comprehend such existence as beautiful as it is.
    Knowing without understanding feeds its way to fear, dread and defeat, reaching out with no wall or arms to hold us.
    As much as we love the fall, we are completely human, bound in spirit body and consciousness to a perception relevant to now, then and to be. Measured and constructed in days, weeks, moments, events, eons and relationships.

    Youre so fucking good at life, just keep at it.
    Love you man, especially now since youve matured and grown so much.
    I really wish youd share some of your magic with me at some point. There are some people I think it could really help if only I had a bit.
    Also if you havent, check out The Dissociatives.
    Daniel Johns from angsty, whimsical, old Silverchair and Paul Mac, the most down to earth dude.
    If Were Much Preferred Customers doesnt glide your brain into awesomeness, then Sleep Well Tonight might at least give you a sweet ether real slumber.

    Take care.
    Drop us a line or even a phone recorded demo sometime soon.


  185. carolin Says:

    Dear Chris,
    I just came home from a 9 weeks stay at a psychotherapeutic clinique, yesterday. I had a very very intensive time with lows and many highs. I met wonderful people, enjoyed great nature, learned a lot about myself and even had some spiritual experiences. But at the moment it just feels like it all was a dream which now breaks.. I feel lost and cut out of a wonderful community.. although I of course always knew that real life is waiting for me outside. But now it feels like real life was what I experienced there We had a goodbye ceremony there last sunday. During my goodbye I played your Trials. It was increadible touching!! I love it so much- it gives me HOPE. I just wrote the lines My trials are my friends on my mirror when I came home (sorry for my english)
    I deeply feel with you and wish you all the best!!! OUR TRIALS ARE OUR FRIENDS.
    I love you, carolin.

  186. K. Says:

    Perfect in imperfectness Chris,

    We are all the same you know that quite well.
    So why dont you for f***s sake apply to yourself beautiful words of yours


    We miss you, we need you, we are waiting for you. We really do. But really. Really really!

  187. lisa Says:

    Reading thisits weird but this is so relatable in so many ways. Your experiences are not literally the same as mine, but I don’t think I have ever read anything that I could relate to so much about some of things as this.

    The question of how to be creative without losing yourself completely, is it really possible? Being an artist is unrealistic because the artists job is to single-handedly feel every emotion and think every thought and express them in a canvas or film or song for everyone else to see and hear so that others don’t have to feel and think these things all the time themselves. The weight is too much for one person to bear.

    Being consumed by work kind of ties back to what you said in the first part of this post about who we are and how we aren’t our work money and greed. I’ve learned the hard way that who we are is not what we are. But I guess there isn’t an easy way to learn that for anyone really.

    Your writing reflects your healing, it sounds so healthy and self-aware which is nice to read.

    Sending you love and l.a. sunshine x

  188. Teresa Says:

    Chris, thank you for share!
    How are you now? I hope youre getting better.
    Your music helped me in my hard times. I was working hard and fighting with insomnia too and with terrible nightmares during short time of sleep. Its all long gone now.
    So I wish you find the perfect balance between being yourself, being creative and all that bad experience.
    Take care. Be strong.

  189. Jason B. Says:


    You gave us an insight on your private life, and I think it is only fair to return the favor, in context of the art you have created. In 2002, I was in the U.S. Army, stationed in Monterey, California, at a military language school. This is the first time I heard one of your tunes, and of course I purchased everything I could get my hands on from Sneaker Pimps. Songs have such a curious effect on memory, and some of the most vivid memories I have of this period of my life are deeply associated with the album Splinter. I use to spend long hours on weekend nights, listening to this record on a CD player and smoking cigarettes, in a secluded cave right on the beach. This cave cut in about 4 meters or so from the beach, and often, around 2300 or so, sea lions would creep around the cave, and on one night in particular a large sea lion approached closer than a meter, trying to get me to leave while I was listening to your art. I craved my name in the wall, alongside 20 or more souls reaching back to 1975, as a monument to my quite existence.

    I’ll flash forward to 2005-2007, when I spent 18 months fighting in Afghanistan. Day-to-day, I did not have electricity, fresh water or basic human comforts. Almost every day, we engaged hostile forces, and many of my comrades were lost in these exchanges. This was the Korngal Valley, the “Valley of Death”, where the documentary Restrepo was filmed, after I left. While in this hellhole, I was sent back to the fucking relative safety and humanity of larger bases to ‘refit’, meaning resupply (aka get batteries, take a hot shower, get a hot meal, not get shot at for a few days), every 3-4 months. On one of these refit missions; I visited a bazaar, an open market, just outside of the city of Kabul. To my amazement, I found a pirated (Chinese) copy of Kiss + Swallow, which I bought for $2 U.S. dollars on spec, I only suspected it was you based on the cover art. I fell in love with the album in the 3 days I had on rest and relaxation. Sadly, I did not have time, or electronic means to listen extensively. However, this little disc accompanied me on adventures involving plane, helicopter, armored truck, and foot, sporadically as battery allowed, from the remainder of my term. During my time, I experienced all things horrific and did horrifying things myself.

    I left the military to attend school in 2007. I purchased the legitimate version of Kiss + Swallow, and everything else of yours I could. I selected psychology as my major, and completed a graduate degree in 2010. My life was forever changed by war, and I still carry the ‘invisible wounds’ to this day. I sought treatment for PTSD and depression with the Veterans Affairs in 2008, but found the services lacking. I had a huge issue with alcohol, even while in university. All this time I was listening to your art, and still do, at least once a month this whole time, I hear a tune of yours. I decided to get a second graduate degree in sociology.

    I now help fellow combat veterans as a therapist, and CBT and cognitive processing therapy are my specialties. One thing that is not mentioned very often is that therapy is really difficult for the ‘client’. I don’t think, in my professional opinion, that anything is more challenging if life than to put in the work demanded by talk therapy, especially cognitive therapies. So, I commend you on selecting this modality. I am currently working to be certified in dialectical behavior therapy, which is even more demanding of the client.

    Though I am still plagued by intrusive ‘dark’ thoughts, mostly oriented on torture and death, I still can function thanks to my devotional meditation and mindfulness practice, and thanks to the discipline of cognitive theory. Your exceptional talent, voice and muse continue to be a companion in my life o this day. I just wanted to give you a snap-shot of the life of one fan who supports you, unconditionally. I feel like I only know a small fraction of who you are, just based on the recordings you’ve made, and cannot fathom the difficulties involved in maintaining a stage and public persona. However, I want to express gratitude for the art you have created. It has given me some degree of relief during my dark times, or ‘volatile times’ if you will. I really appreciate how difficult working through this stuff is, and wish you the best of luck in so doing.

    I consider myself to be an exceptionally gifted therapist, and many clients have supported this claim. I think you are a master artist, and I can imagine how much effort and time you have poured into your craft; I aspire to do the same, and spend most of my waking life in an attempt to be the best therapist I can be. I wish you well, and hopefully you still receive these responses. Thanks for your ridiculously good voice, and muse-filled lyrics over the last 15 years.

  190. Jason B. Says:

    I wanted to add something:

    My 15 month-old son, Silas, is very familiar with your works, and has spent a good deal of time dancing..aka bobbing up and down, to your work. His current favorite is Sailor, but he also enjoys Nightlife and Bloodsport. Thanks again!

  191. mle stvn Says:

    we love you

  192. Supernova Says:

    To Chris Oh you are such a beautiful person, trying to allow spirit to flow through you, without being overcome! Thank you for sharing about what made you unwell, I worried about you. I hope that you can find a powerful and grounding force to always bring you back home. Even when that means not touring for awhile ? Stay beautiful and whole.

  193. Natacha Says:

    Dear Chris,
    I hope you are well and I am so so much looking forward to one day seeing you live performance.
    My hubby once gave me one of your albums and I immediately fell in love with it. After being sort of enthusiastic we “found out” that you once did the Sneaker Pimps. Love it, too. I have every piece of you I could find. You touched me.
    My hubby does electronic music whereas I am the capitalist, working a 9 to 5 in a bank. I like to say though, that we certainly do not live an every-day-people life. I am simply earning the money so my husband can pursue his arts. I strongly believe in him as I know he has quite a talent.
    Me myself, I am just a music lover. Apart from once learning to play the classic guitar and singing for more than seventeen years, I left all that behind me. There is only room for one artist in a couple´s life and my husband deserves all the attention in that regard.
    YOU – have subconsciously influenced me in a lot of ways you could never imagine. Born and raised in the south of Germany with roots to the west-southern part of Europe, we decided to leave Germany for good and move towards my origin. After having horrible experience there, listening to the “Land of broken promises” actually sealed the idea to leave and go somewhere else.
    Now, since September 14 we are back in Germany, totally different region from where I actually am (thank God). Every time you performed I couldn´t be there and with lots of sadness I got to know that you were not well. I deeply hope that you are much better now and just wanted to let you know that you so much speak of my heart.
    I am not so much of an internet person, I have no facebook or twitter or any of that kind (yeah, I am still alive!) so I do not always get the latest news in time.
    I do love to write poems since I was a child and I am also writing diaries. One fine day, when I can overcome being ashamed, I like to share something with you. I don´t know you personally and you don´t even have a clue of my existence – but – I am with you in thoughts and you are in my heart.
    Thank you so much for being and touching me the way you did. I could go on and on and be much more precise about everything, but no need to bore anyone.
    Just wanted to let you know, I feel with you.
    My deepest respect and regards and the best to you.

  194. Alma H. Says:

    Hi Chris! I really appreciate that you share some moments of your life here. I got to know you a few time ago and in this short period of time youve already become an inspiration for me. You dont know how much youve brightened me up and healed me in these last days and I wanted to tell you and thank you for that. I wish I could help you as much as youve helped me, I hope that my support can make you at least a bit happier. I will never stop supporting you x
    Thank you very much xxx

  195. MG Says:

    Hello Dear Chris,

    I meant to write to you a long time ago, but things have kept getting in the way. It is a poor excuse, that Im so bad at dealing with my own shit that I have not managed to be around for you, or that I doubt myself at saying anything useful. I am very sorry for that. I hope you dont think too negatively of me for it.

    I wanted to write this now first of all because I seem to finally be able to make myself sit down and write to you, not because I have any idea of what to say. Secondly, because I want to thank you for being such a positive part of my life, though I dont know how to explain it. (Words have never been my strength and are only worse in the past few years) It would be so much easier to just be able to transmit a feeling, but Ill try to explain it.

    Your music always makes me feel less alone. Just knowing that you are around helps. I have been listening to you for 3 years now, and I have been thinking about you for 3 years. Always, if not my main distraction or daydream, then the background noise that never ends. That probably sounds excessive, but dont worry about it, Ive only barely written to you once in the span of 3 years. Maybe a form of overly-attached fan who wont actually be too actively overly-attached. Anyways

    Its important that I remember to mention what is so inspiring about you and your music. Its difficult to put the feelings into words, but it is very free and self-reliant, I think. The experimentation and originality of what you do keeps it from falling into any unfortunate genre or subset of pop music, which would be fine to do maybe, to categorize music, but then people think about things in terms the category and not what they are actually listening to. So when you keep it original it keeps it free from that, as much as I can understand it. And the amount of care you put into it is clear, even to someone not trained in music (like me). Thats along the lines of what I mean by self-reliant, that you dont necessarily need the audience to be misinterpreting everything so many ways, it speaks for itself. Ive seen people have a lot of different interpretations of your songs but they tend to be along the same lines, one meaning clearer than the others to everyone who wont know for sure.

    Many thanks as well for remaining so open-minded and willing to discuss things that other people will not. Its always what no one wants to talk about that is so important, you cant let it live its own life in silence. The problems you talked about here, the depression and anxiety, are an issue for a lot of people (like me and a lot of other people who write to you) and they just become larger when kept secret and silenced. Thank you for writing about this here, it lets us all look at our messed-up illnesses together instead of being watched by them. Thats how it feels I mean, when you dont have communication about it you do not observe it, but it hovers around you as if its watching instead. Weird but, you kind of get what I mean by it, I hope?

    I feel like knowing who you are has helped me in a lot of ways. A similar kind of mind in how you speak about things, but much more talented than I have been. I feel a lot less lonely with you around and I am very grateful for that. Your bravery of being yourself in this horribly fucked up world helps me see some in myself sometimes. I want to use that little bit of bravery to finish writing this letter to you so that I can return the favor in at least this way, even though it doesnt really compare.

    (A bit late, but happy new year. I hope 2015 brings you all the good things you deserve)xoxoxo

  196. niki Says:

    Have you tried melentonin? I sometimes have bad sleep problems and also have had periods I didnt sleep long enough to kill a normal person. Most drugs knock you out without giving real sleep, but melentonin is different, I really sleep and have very wild deep dreams.

  197. Sam Says:

    Thank you for the emotionally tough yet beautiful read.

    I am a recent fan of your work, and have drawn some parallels from it (both content and creative process) and this post to my own life. I also recently attended your New Years Eve show and wasnt disappointed (although you did spill wine on my white shirt my fault I suppose!).

    There are many points in my life where I do not sleep and rarely eat for days. My line of work is quite different (namely computer programming), but the pain of creation and the desire for perfection obsesses and controls me greatly. Frequently I find myself narcoleptic when away from my work and its inherent multitasking.

    I have learned long ago that people subconsciously respond best to and crave quality, and your unique rhythms alone make your work a modern day masterpiece. I want you to know I (and no doubt others) can hear those subtle nuances.


    P.S. Update your WordPress :-)

  198. pattou Says:

    I just miss you

  199. Caroline Says:

    Wow, Christopher. Just wow. You described the sides of the struggling with the being so exactly.
    In special, the changing sides you got and then feels you couldnt that remember.
    Okay, again: Wow. Yes, this word wasnt in this text here before, ha ha.
    But its right you feel weak, but that you can take that feel, the feel, which is making pressure in the inner and then outside, in the end you are strong, because you can take it and someday leave it. You are searching for better times and the time is going on and on, but you can do it and you dont waste anything.
    Say it to all your sides.
    Sometimes, when I think I couldnt do senseful things like drawing. Yes, drawing.
    For me, on the paper there is already the art, just invisible. But when I am drawing on these bad weeks,
    its all not perfect enough. I am thinking then, there is something missing, which is hiding in the corner of my mind and it has to see the light. But it cant, because I cant.
    But it is surprising me everytime, that I found my missed creativity then, within a special different feel.
    Maybe, I just was waiting for a come-back for the parts of myself, even I didnt like to wait.
    I could write so much to it all, but its a comment, no novel.

    You just touched my heart by reading this all and made me thoughtful
    Thats why I dont know really what I am saying/writing here, just the mind stuff.

    Well, I want to add, that I wanted to wish you good luck. But you have the good luck in yourself, just it has to grow and grow.
    Thank you.

    From Germany.

  200. Cassandra Says:

    Hey Chris,
    Thank you so much for sharing this. I just found this blog today (what, like, a couple years later) and I really felt like I should leave a comment or something in the chance that you would happen to see it. Im a kid from Canada recovering from a panic disorder, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and Im also a CSA survivor. The world is overwhelming and really terrifying. A couple of years ago I began to slip into psychosis and, well, I suppose what Im trying to say is that when I found your work with IAMX I also found a bit of myself. The first song I ever heard, I think, was Mercy and from there part of me became totally addicted to the distinct IAMX sound and style. I cant get through Screams or I Come With Knives without crying my eyes out, and when the panic and anxiety make it difficult to breathe, theres something in your music unlike anything else that makes an aching part of me feel safe and at home. If nothing else, Im so glad to be alive in a time where you are existing; the messages that you channel into your music give me something to lose myself in that isnt loneliness or darkness. I definitely would not be the person I am today if I had not found you and I just want to thank you, genuinely and from the bottom of my heart, for being brave enough and strong enough to be alive today. Even breathing gets difficult sometimes.
    Take care Chris,
    Love from Canada

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