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IF YOU SEE ME IN A SUPERMARKET MINGLING  WITH THE GRANDMAS AND THE ZOMBIES IN THE PRE-APOCALYPTIC DIRGE OF CONSUMERISM, PLEASE DON’T HOLD IT AGAINST ME. I, TOO, MUST BUY.

I BECOME BETTER  EVERY YEAR AT AVOIDING AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE BUT IT DOES STILL PAIN ME TO MIX WITH THE HERDS AND THE HYPOCRISY.

I CONFESS THAT, SOMEHOW DEEP WITHIN, I MAINTAIN A FAINT, TWISTED LOVE OF CHRISTMAS. I BLAME IT ON MY NAIVE WANT OF MYSTERY AND THE SHIMMERING UNKOWN. BEING CHILDISH SOMETIMES MIXES WITH CREATIVITY IN A WAY.

AND AFTER ALL, WHEN YOU STRIP AWAY THE TACK, IT IS SIMPLY A WAY FOR US TO GET THROUGH THE WINTER. AN EXCUSE TO CRAWL BACK INTO OUR ANCIENT METAPHORICAL CAVES AND DO NOTHING BUT EAT, SHIT, GET DRUNK, FUCK AND ARGUE. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE DIDN’T NEED TO DRESS IT ALL UP, BUT I AM THANKFUL I LIVE IN AN AGE WITH A BIT OF GLAMOUR AT LEAST. NOT JUST BEASTS AND AN EARLY DEATH.

IN A WEAK MOMENT, I CONSIDERED PUTTING UP THE IAMX *DOUCE NUIT* CHRISTMAS COVER AGAIN, BUT IT FELT CHEAP THIS YEAR. I THINK NEXT YEAR I WILL MAKE A TWINKLING VIDEO FOR IT AND DO A REAL XMAS SINGLE. FINALLY JOIN THE HALL OF VERY UN-FAMOUS CHRISTMAS SONGS. PERHAPS I CAN EVEN HAVE SOME SNIVELING SCHOOL CHILDREN SINGING OUT OF TUNE ON IT FOR THE ENGLISH VERSION.

LAST WEEK I SCREAMED AT ANOTHER HOTEL TV SCREEN. `YOU UNBEARABLE POINTLESS FUCK WIT.` AN EMBARRASSING ATTACK ON A TALENTLESS GERMAN ACTRESS ON A SHITTY DAYTIME SERIES. JUST ME IN THE ROOM. I COULDN’T TAKE THE OFFENSIVE NOTHINGNESS OF HER ROLE AND HER BANAL NON-MESSAGES ANY LONGER. SOME PSEUDO CHRISTMAS FAMILY DRAMA. I DON’T KNOW HOW PEOPLE CAN LIVE WITH THEMSELVES BEING FOOLS AND SAYING NOTHING. WE WILL CONTINUE DUMBING DOWN EVERYWHERE IN EVERY WAY UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT AND MY HEART WEEPS. I DO NOT HAVE A TV OF MY OWN SO I HAVE PICKED UP THIS UNCOMFORTABLE PIECE OF BAGGAGE  FROM TOURING. THIS VIEWING OF BLOODY MINDED TV. IN PARTICULAR, ADVERTISING. TV IN HOTEL ROOMS AROUND THE WORLD IS A HYPERSPEED INSIGHT INTO THE EVILS OF HUMANKIND. HARMLESS SOMETHINGS TO LULL YOU TO SLEEP IS NOT AN OPTION. THE SAME  SINNING IS THERE IN EVERY COUNTRY. THE SAME BULLSHIT IN EVERY LANGUAGE. THE VOICES SINGING NOTES WITH THEIR NAUSEATING POSITIVITY AND THE ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CATALOGUE MODEL RETARDS READY TO SELL THEIR SOULS.

SHOWING US STUFF WE NEED. STUFF THAT MAKES US HAPPY. STUFF TO FILL THE UN-FILLABLE  HOLES. SICK-IRRESPONSIBLE-IGNORANT-BRAIN-KILLING-MONEY-MAKING-POWER-PERPETUATING-MADNESS. EXPLORING THIS MADNESS  JUST BREEDS THE SAME MADNESS, SO I SHALL STOP MYSELF BEFORE I KILL MYSELF.

ANOTHER WINTER SOLIDLY KICKS IN AND I FIND MYSELF DRAWN TO MY PREVIOUS AGGRESSIVE  STATE OF MIND. SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING BEHIND. AS VIOLENTLY SELF AWARE AS I AM, I STILL REPEAT BAD HABITS. FLOATING AROUND AND  FINDING THINGS THAT DISGUST ME. ANGER ME. A LOOP I FALL INTO EASILY IF I AM NOT CAREFUL TO NIP IT QUICKLY IN THE BUD.

DURING SOME OF THE COLD MONTHS I WENT AWAY IN AN ATTEMPT TO CALM DOWN. I HEADED SOUTH TOWARDS ITALY, AWAY FROM THE DIRTY WEATHER. IN THE DISTRACTION I HOPED TO COME ACROSS SOME OF THE BEAUTY AND WONDER I WAS SURE EXISTED OUTSIDE THE MIND RAPING JUNK CULTURE I AM DRAWN TO OBSERVE INCESSANTLY.

I WAS SURPRISED. I LOVED MANY THINGS AND I THOUGHT A LOT.  I SOMETIMES DIDN’T THINK AT ALL. I LIKED PEOPLE. THEY WERE GOOD TO ME. ITALY WAS BEAUTIFUL.

BUT I WASN’T SAFE AND IT DIDN’T FEEL REAL. IT WAS NOT MY LIFE. THE PROBLEM IS, I JUST TAKE THE BRAIN ACHE WITH ME. I ALSO DIDN’T WANT TO MOVE AROUND ANYMORE. SO I CAME BACK. I WILL NOT REST.

AS AN X-LOVER ONCE REPEATED TO ME IN A DRUGGED UP SEX FRENZY. ‘SLEEP WHEN YOU’RE DEAD, CHRISTOPHER’ SOMEHOW THE WORDS ARE STARTING TO MAKE SENSE TO ME.

SO HERE I AM AGAIN ON MY OWN. IN MY STUDIO OVER CHRISTMAS. ANGRY BUT SOMEHOW ENTERTAINED. I WILL DO MY BEST TO USE IT.

BUT FUCK ME. YOU ENJOY IT.

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